Dear 13-Year-Old Self

Dear 13-year-old self,

Your world has recently gotten bigger.

New school.

New friends.

New expectations.

New pressures.

New temptations.

New questions.

 

You find a new sense of insecurity you’d never known before.

Unsure of your changing body.

What clothes are ‘cool’?

Where do I fit?

DO I fit?

 

Everyone around you seems so confident, sure of themselves.  I guarantee you, they are not. They’re all trying to find themselves as well and you’ll never find yourself looking around you.

You will only feel more unsure of yourself. 

Insecure. 

Not good enough.

Too short.

Too plain.

Empty.

Don’t believe the lies that you must fit in the box to be accepted. Loved. Pretty. Cool. Wanted.

The box is not meant for you and will only tear you apart as you try to conform and contort to fit inside, something you were never created to do. 

 

Take off your mask.  Take off the layers of costumes you wear to fit in to any group or occasion.  Take off your strong persona and Be You.

Be Real. Be Vulnerable. Be Open.

Be Happy. Be 13. Be OK with where you are, right now.

You’re a work in progress, and there’s such beauty in that.

 

Don’t follow the crowd.  Stand for your beliefs, your convictions.  Stand for who you are, I promise you won’t be standing alone.

There are others who want someone to stand with, who don’t want to follow the crowd, don’t want to compromise.  Who believe in truth and purity and innocence.  Who are fighting the same fight amidst the garbage and screams of society to find their way.

Don’t settle.

 

Stop looking to society to tell you if you’ve met the standard, I can tell you you never will. 

It’s not real. Not attainable.

Stop chasing the white rabbit down a hole you will spend years trying to claw your way out of.

 

Your body is not your enemy; it is an amazingly beautiful instrument.  You will do amazing things with it.  It will bring forth life.  It will show you your amazing strength.

Accept it.

Nourish it.

Love it.

Protect it.

 

Before you take that next step—stop.  Look next to you. There is Jesus. He’s there. He never left. Take His hand, turn around and walk into all He has for you.  You don’t have to walk this road of doubt, self-destruction, and self-loathing.

You are worthy. Worthy of real friendship. Worth the time. Worth the wait. Worthy of this life.

You are beautiful. True beauty that radiates from your heart, not your weight.

You are enough.  Good enough. More than enough.

 

With love,

Your healthy, happy, whole self

*****************************************************************************

Writing this was surprisingly hard.  Because I know the road this young self takes and the pain and heartache that followed.

But I also know what she will overcome because of Christ.

I know the victories. The healing.  The life that will one day flourish.

And though I can’t save her from that hard road now, I’m encouraged because I will one day share these nuggets with my own daughter, and with God’s grace she may not walk this road.  One day this testimony may help another young girl.  Maybe it will help you.

Mountain O'Marriage

Last week Mr. M and I had our 4^th wedding anniversary, and to celebrate we climbed our first 14er!  Talk about an adventure….

It was trying, difficult, exhilarating, intense, fun and overall an awesome accomplishment.  And being that this was for our anniversary, the parallels between climbing a mountain and marriage were not lost on me.

We started off on the trail bright and early. We were excited and probably overconfident in our capabilities while naïve to the obstacles that laid ahead.  See the correlations already??

It was early morning and everything just looked stunning as the sunlight was beginning to break through the trees and casting shadows on the surrounding mountains. 

As we made it over the tree line the trail went from a slow grade of dirt and grass to more rocks and boulders.  Definitely wasn’t prepared for that.

 

Every so often we’d stop, catch our breath, take in the view and take some more pictures.  I loved to turn around and look back at where we had just been. 

And every time I was amazed at the progress we had made. 

How different it looked from this view. 

And was proud of how far we had come.  Together. 

The further we got on our climb the harder it became.  There was no more dirt or grass trail to follow, it was all rock. 

 

Big rocks.

Slate rocks.

Moving, shifting, unstable rocks. 

And the trail got narrower as we were now following right along the spine.  To stay on the best line you couldn’t easily be two people wide.  But we kept moving along, taking turns leading and setting a comfortable pace.  Whoever was in front throwing back a warning of loose rocks or slippery areas ahead.

 

As we climbed we started to come across more people.  Some were already heading back—which I secretly envied as my lungs were burning and legs were aching.  Others were still heading to the summit and we seemed to settle into a small group of people around the same pace.

It was nice to see friendly faces along the way; we’d encourage each other or make a joke about whose horrible idea this was.  It always lightened the mood when we were struggling to keep going. 

For some this was their first 14er.  Others had done many before.

And then there was a dad with his 3 daughters.  Just cruising along.  He had his 4 year old in a hiking back pack with his 6 and 7 year old tagging along.  This was their 5^th 14er.  *jaw drops* 

Mr. M and I were just floored. I mean come on! We were struggling to keep moving and these kids reminded me of Legolas from Lord of the Rings—light and nimble on their feet and moving along with what seemed to take no effort at all.  Wow.

As we got into the last leg, the steep ascent to the summit, it became a real challenge.  Gaining elevation that quickly was really making the effects of the altitude apparent.  We had to stop more often to catch our breath.  Mr. M had gone through his water already and we were sharing mine.  He started to feel sick and I was getting a little dizzy.  We stopped to rest and he was not feeling well.  I wasn’t sure he could keep going, neither did he.  But we were SO CLOSE. 

I would be very disappointed to get this far and not reach the top but this was our journey, our adventure and if we couldn’t stand at the summit together I didn’t want to go.

But he took a short breather, dug deep and pushed himself to keep going.

The last stretch was narrow and there really was no trail, you just had to find the best line and hope for some sturdy rocks.

We kept pressing forward, knowing victory was within reach.

And then, there we were! Standing on the summit!! It was glorious and euphoric and oh so breathtaking. We saw some friends at the top and congratulated each other, took more pictures and a short rest. 

 

We took it in, a panoramic view of mountains in every direction.  Surreal. What a beautiful moment, what a victory to achieve together…

And then? The descent!  The only way down was the way we came up!  It was faster but still very tricky.

The whole way down I would stop to look back again, and was in complete awe and shock that we just did WHAT??  Knowing now what it took to get to the top, to see it in retrospect made me realize what an accomplishment it was.  Oh and we ran into 2 mountain goats on our way back, very cool. Although one was about 10 ft from me and I think it wanted to hurt me....

We had no idea what we were getting into and to a degree I appreciated my naivety at the time.  That trip back down looked very different…. I felt wiser, more experienced and so I viewed everything now through different eyes.

I spent the journey back down reflecting on everything I had just learned and could see in so many ways how marriage is very much like climbing a mountain. Here’s what I learned….

*Take a look back.  It is so easy to get caught up in the trials of where you are, the disagreement, the monotony and become discouraged. 

But every once in a while you need to stop and just take a look back.

See how far you’ve actually come.  That you’re making progress.

See that you’re moving forward even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Relish in the moment that you are taking and have taken ground even if you feel stuck.

*Things get hard.

There are unexpected situations that throw you a curve ball, the ground is not always flat and it’s not always smooth sailing.  Sometimes it feels like the ground is shifting beneath you. 

In these times you especially need to dig deep. 

Fight to find your footing, fight for your relationship.

Hold on to what you do know.

You love each other. That never changes. Yes even when you don’t like each other very much.

*You don’t know it all.  Period. 

Surround yourself with couples of wisdom, which means experience.  I KNOW I don’t have the answers, these are just my own revelations I’m sharing.

We need a support group. Others to cheer us on as we run this race. 

To hear from those who have gone before and can show us the best path.

 I definitely want to talk to others who have climbed mountains before I climb another one, why would I not do the same in my marriage?

*Don’t compare.  Don’t compare. Don’t compare.
It drove me crazy that those little girls were hiking with such ease! But this was their 5^th climb so how can I compare that to my 1^st?

All you can do is compare where you ARE to where you WERE.  Comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle will only make you frustrated and give you false hope.  Both are destructive in a marriage.

Celebrate your victories in your own marriage, not compared to someone else’s.

*You’re in this together.

It’s marriage. It’s forever.  What benefits you, benefits your spouse.  What hurts you hurts your spouse. 

No one has more to gain or lose in your marriage than you, and your spouse.  Stick together. 

Sometimes you lead and allow the other to rest. Sometimes you follow and your spouse takes the headwind.  You're in this together and two are always better than one.

*Find an adventure together!

Mr. M and I are really in our sweet spot when we are working towards a common goal.  I feel like we can accomplish anything when we are working together. 

Whether it’s paying off debt, climbing a mountain or pitching a tent, we really shine when we are conquering something as a team.

Find something that brings you both alive and go at it. 

Live your life together.  Dream together. 

Set goals and then knock them down.

Be silly. 

Have fun together, you never know what mountain goats, I mean, surprises are just around the corner!

Oh, The Places You'll Go....

This past week has been an adventurous one.  And I’ve learned and re-learned a few lessons along the way….

On Monday I ran my 3^rd half marathon in 4 months and beat my PR by just under 5 minutes. On Wednesday I celebrated my 4^th wedding anniversary.  And on Saturday Mr. M and I climbed our first 14er to celebrate. 

Whether you’re running a race, working on your marriage or climbing a mountain I feel there’s one common key:

Keep. Moving. Forward.

In a recent blog The Perfect Storm I talked about my last half just falling apart, some due to uncontrollable circumstances but also because of things that I let slip through the cracks. So when I signed up for the next half I was determined to do everything in my power to make sure I was prepared for this race.

I put in the time.

I put in the miles.

I watched my nutrition.

And I was feeling GOOD.  I felt confident going in that I could really come back and possibly? hopefully? break my PR?  But I was still cautious after bonking the last one.

But all my hard work paid off.

I felt better in the last 6 miles than I did the first 7. I was picking up my pace.  My legs felt stronger and stronger with each stride.  I had a negative split!

I could tell I had put in the conditioning as the race just seemed to fly by and I PR’d.  I was feeling mighty proud of my accomplishment and all the hard work I had put in…..

Then comes Wednesday and can you believe it, it’s been 4 years of marriage!  I can’t tell sometimes if it feels longer or shorter than it really is but it’s crazy to see how far we’ve come in that time.  Had a baby, moved across the country, pursuing our dreams…. But that communication thing, um ya, still a work in progress….

Yes, we still struggle with communication. *Gasp!*  No our marriage is not perfect, shocking I know.

So our anniversary was not ideal.  The Lord still uses us to bring out those areas in the other that are not like Him.  We are still a work in progress. 

It is never fun to be in discord, especially in your marriage.  But I truly believe it’s in those times that you can either move closer together or further apart.  It’s a choice.  And it’s not always easy.

But every time you choose to take just one more step forward, you are claiming a victory.  You are not allowing discomfort, complacency or selfishness to have a foothold.

So we had our moment, took some time and then addressed it the next day.  We regrouped and moved forward. 

Then came Saturday! We packed up the car before dawn and headed out to Breckenridge. 

Mr. M had planned a little getaway for our anniversary and in McCord fashion we were going to celebrate by hiking Quandary Peak, our first 14er!  (A mountain of more than 14,000 ft. elevation at the summit).

I was so excited! This was an adventure, and we were doing it together.

We filled up our camelbacks, threw some snacks and GU’s inside, grabbed our cameras and headed off! 

The first 1/3 was all through the trees and was mainly a dirt trail. As we climbed over the tree line it started to turn into bigger rocks and at one point I could only describe it as when Gollum is leading Frodo up those narrow stairs to Mordor in The Lord of the Rings.   Only the view was much better. 

Hiking through these rocks was intense. There was a long stretch that was a really slow grade which was a nice reprieve because trying to navigate through was taking all our focus and energy.

Just before the final ascent that looked like it went straight up for at least a mile we stopped and took a picture. All grinning and cheesy. Completely clueless to what we were about to go in to.  It was probably better that way….

That final climb to the summit took everything we had. It climbed so quickly the altitude really started to affect us.  We hadn’t eaten a ton before we started, having no idea what we were really getting into.  Mr. M was feeling nauseas and I was getting dizzy.  We were tired, our legs hurt.  We took short breaks and just kept moving slowly.

At one point Mr. M just wasn’t sure he could do it but we were so close.  I encouraged him and he dug deep and just put one foot in front of the other until, VOILA! We did it!! 

We were standing on the summit of Quandary Peak.  We were at 14,265 ft. elevation surrounded by mountains in every direction and looking over them all.  It was a euphoric moment.  What a victory. 

Like I said, it was an adventurous week and I learned a lot. 

You want to run a great race? Keep moving forward.

You want an awesome marriage? Keep moving forward.

You want to climb that mountain? Keep moving forward.

This week I felt like that’s what the Lord kept showing me.  There’s no easy route. They’re no shortcut. 

It takes Effort.

Time.

Sacrifice.

Discipline.

Climbing a mountain isn’t easy.  There was no chairlift to the top. No escalator down.  You have to put in the work and just keep moving forward.  You want that view from the top, move your butt.

Running a race isn’t easy.  You have to put in the work. No one can do it for you.  But the feeling of pride when you slaughter your PR because you worked for it, it’s more than worth it.

Marriage isn’t always easy.  You have to make an effort to stay engaged.  You can’t phone it in.  Life will happen and get in the way if you don’t make it a priority. You want a great marriage, invest in your spouse.  Put in the time.  Put in the effort.

No matter what the arena is, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. 

You climb a mountain one step at a time. 

Oh the places you'll go if you just Keep. Moving. Forward.

 

Day In, Day Out

I was talking to my Pastor and friend last night about my upcoming half’s I was training for. And he jokingly pokes me with “So are you going to blog about your runs or just talk about it?”   And he’s right. I like writing. I feel called to write. But sometimes it’s just hard for me to get started.

That evening I went for my run and was thinking over what he said and wondering why I hadn’t felt inspired to write about my runs lately. I’ve run 2 half’s this year and am currently training for 2 more. So it’s easy to say I’ve been running a lot this year.  I feel like I should have so much to say, so much knowledge, so much something but kind of just felt like I was just going through the motions.

And then I realized something rather simple: sometimes my runs are just that, runs. Gasp! Sometimes my training is just that, training. There is no great enlightenment about myself. No great revelation. Sometimes it just feels like I’m just going through my check list.

Breakfast: check. Change diapers: check. Laundry: check. Grocery shop: check. Run: check. Sometimes the day to day isn’t magical or glamorous. Sometimes my runs aren’t all-telling about who I am. Sometimes you put in the work because you have to. I don’t mean for this to sound dreadful by any means. I love being a stay at home mom, serving my husband, taking care of my daughter. But some days it’s just routine, and that’s not bad, but nothing new or exciting happens.

And some days my runs are just runs. I put in the work because I made a commitment for the next race. Because I want to stay healthy and promote an active lifestyle in my family. Because it is great me time. Because I really do love it, even when getting out the door feels like a chore.

And so sometimes I don’t have much to say about running other than I did it today. It was another 3, 6, 9, X miles…. Nothing exciting, nothing to tell. I just did it.

But even in that there IS something it’s telling.

It tells of commitment. It tells of consistency. It tells of not relying on your feelings. It tells that it’s not about the glamour. It tells about sacrifice.

Because the races, the medals, the PR’s, the accomplishments aren’t made at the race. They’re made in the day in day out, humdrum of consistency to train even when you don’t feel like it. Even when it’s not exciting. Even when it’s just another X amount of miles.

The race is where we see the FRUIT of our labor…or lack thereof.

I believe this is how great marriages are made.  And great relationships with your children.

By being consistent. Being on purpose. Sticking to your commitment.   Not living based on emotion. Being present even when it’s hard. Not quitting. Not complaining. Even in the day to day, nothing exciting is happening times. Because those seeds, that foundation you’re building, that time you pour into your family will bear fruit.

Marriage isn’t all passion and excitement and tingly feelings like the movies show. It has its moments for sure. But it is in the day to day that we lay our foundation.… Serving each other. Putting the other first. Doing what needs to be done without complaining.  Enjoying time together. Sitting down for dinner. 

There isn’t a training plan for raising a child.  It takes time. Consistency, even when you’re exhausted. Unconditional love.  Sacrifice.  And lots and lots of stinky diapers.

Just like a race, you will get out what you put in.

So some days you’re just training. Some days you’re just mowing the lawn or playing patty cake for the five thousandth time.

But the rewards will be plenty my friend! Whatever avenue you’re in, never underestimate the day in day out, that’s where the great’s are made!                                                                                                                                             

Let the Good Times Run....

This past Sunday I ran my second half marathon and had a blast.  As the race got closer and closer people would always ask if I was ready for it and to be honest I had to say this was the Least prepared I’ve felt for a race.  I hadn’t built up my weekly mileage as I should have, I was pretty lax in following my training plan, I hadn’t run in over a year, had a baby, the altitude was still a factor in affecting my pace and at times felt I had hit a wall or boredom with the day to day runs.  And of course the week of the race my foot started hurting whenever I walked and it sounded like tendonitis, awesome.

I actually preferred my long runs over the short weekly mileage because I would pick out a new trail every time and go run it. The new trail, scenery, the exploration of a new place really made the run enjoyable and the miles fly by. 

Usually my runs are my quiet time with the Lord, I can clear my head, work through things and just enjoy a great workout; but lately they’ve just been runs.  No grand conversations with the Lord, no great breakthroughs, no revelations or insight. Just runs. And hard ones at that.  I didn’t feel like I was making progress, instead of feeling like I was building on the last run, every run was just work. Some days I couldn’t seem to catch my breath the whole time. I wasn’t finding the joy in my run like I used to. This was Hard!  And that was frustrating. But I had signed up, made a commitment and would follow through, no matter how slow or ugly it was.  I have a little person who will always be watching me… How do I react when things are hard? Do I quit? Do I give up? Or do I persevere? Stick to my commitment?  I can’t expect her to do any differently than I myself can example.  It should be Do as I DO….

So I pushed along and finished my last long run feeling good going into the race, until the foot pain of course.  It seemed to get worse and everything I read and heard was rest, rest, rest. So I opted not to run at all the week before the race and pray that that would be enough rest and my foot would hold out through the whole 13.1 miles.

We drove up to Denver the day before, went to the Expo, got all settled in and I was oddly calm. Excited, but not nervous like my first half.  Even as we were lining up, waiting for my coral to be released there wasn’t that anxiousness and ‘Ohmygosh I have to pee Again!’, but a calm and excitedness, I was really looking forward to this!  I love the buzz in the air, thousands of other people who are up at 5 am as well because they love to run!  For one older lady in my coral, this was her 65^th half marathon! Mad props….

My coral was released and I was off, trying not to go out too fast and trying to get a feel for my foot.  It hurt on and off the whole run but was very manageable.  We ran through the Denver Zoo, through some beautiful (and some not so much) neighborhoods and through the Aurora Fire Station.  I didn’t turn on my IPod until the last 2 miles. I took in everything on the run, the funny signs—my favorite: “I didn’t get up this early to watch you Walk!”, the people sitting in their front yards eating a bowl of cereal and coffee, the animals in the zoo, the view of the mountains in the distance, all the different people around me.  It was awesome. 

The last 3 miles I was all out going for it, I didn’t want to finish and feel like I could keep running.  I was booking and it was so much fun! I saw my family waving about a mile before the finish line and that gave me an extra boost, they always make me smile.  Of course the last mile lasted at least 2, felt like forever but as I saw the finish line in view I, as I always do, picked as many people that were in front of me to pass before crossing the finish line. I was flying!  I love pushing myself and my body, pushing the boundaries in my head, pushing my body when it thinks it’s done and surprising myself. 

I finished a minute and a half slower than my first half 2 years ago, So close! Stupid bathroom break… But with all the factors going against me…. Altitude, poor training, not having run for over a year, had a baby, bum foot; I proved I could still press through.  Yes, running is just that, running, but it’s something I love.  I find more of myself in each run, especially the crappy ones.  My true character comes out, the real attitude, the real me—good, bad, and ugly. 

Training for my first half went very smoothly and I found a great sense of accomplishment in finishing.  Training for this one was Way harder, a lot more to overcome, but this time in the end I found a great sense of joy, again. I’m already signing up for my next half in July!

So what do you love? What is your passion? Go after it! As Pastor Brock always says, Live Your Love! Don’t let the day to day or overwhelming obstacles keep you from it. There will always be a reason you think shouldn’t or can’t, but when the guy pushing his disabled adult son in a full length wheelchair passed me, I knew I had no good reason why I couldn’t do what I love.  So I keep running….

 

Mommyhood

I wrote this a few months ago and just came across it, thought it was fittng and a nice reminder this Mother's Day...

You can do all you know, read & are advised in preparation for being a mom, but there’s just no way to grasp what is about to happen in your life until you experience that life changing moment.  People can talk about being tired from the first months of sleepless nights, but until you Are that walking zombie, you just don’t know.  You can hear about morning sickness & your body no longer becoming your own over the 9 months, but until you spend months in the bathroom & that baby bump gets in the way of your daily routine, you just can’t understand.  And people can tell you about that moment your child is born, but until you Hear their first cry with your own ears & see that little person wriggling about with life, you will never truly understand how Much your life is about to change. Or how much you could love someone you just met.

Peanut is 8 months old and is an ever-rambunctious, curious, adventurous, chatty little girl with a joyful personality and a busy little body.  My life changed the moment I heard her cry and has been changing ever since.  But not in the “I can never go back to my old, fun ways” but rather I got a promotion into Mommyhood.  That almost secret society of women that you just Can’t seem to understand until you’re there.  Because again, talking or hearing about it just can’t express what it means. 

Sadly I felt like I heard a lot more, almost complaining, if you will from other moms about that transition.  The lack of sleep, which was Rough to say the least. But in that I had to learn Patience, seriously relying on the Lord to help me keep sane when I just couldn’t get her to stop crying & go to sleep!  Because really, it was my own selfishness that I was tired & crabby and She was keeping me from my beloved sleep.  But do I let her dictate my mood or response? Gosh, I hope not.  Hearing how they can become ‘such brats’ and ‘won’t listen’ and it all made me sad because while yes, she has her moments, she is the child and it is my job to direct her & teach her.  To respond in love & discipline and train her up in the way she should go.  Is it trying some days? Heck ya!  I spend some days All day just telling her no, slapping her hand or toosh & then watching her go back to the same thing Again and doing it all over. 

I feel I have found more joy in learning to be a mom than in most anything else I’ve ever tried or attempted to do in my life.  Has it required sacrifice? Every day.  I have my moments when I Just want to go for a run, but I can’t because it’s too cold to take her with. Or I have to wait til it’s cold & dark when Mr. M gets home.  I can’t join those runs clubs because they run before he gets home to watch her.  Will this season pass? Of course.  Do I still have a mini fit in my head?  Of course.  But I wouldn’t trade it.  Seeing her face light up when I walk in the room in the morning.  Hearing her squeal and ‘talk’ all chatty while playing with her toys.  Getting to watch her learn new things.  Her weird fetish with chewing on shoes and the way she plays with her ears when she eats or is laid down for bed.  These moments will pass too soon & I when I look back I won’t remember the runs I didn’t get to do, but I will remember these moments & I don’t want to have missed them because I was too busy wishing to be somewhere or doing something else.