Run This Race

A few months ago I watched my husband, sister and a huge group of friends complete their first (for most) Indy Half Marathon.  It was bittersweet for me because I was excited for all the newbies getting to experience this amazing race for the first time but envious that I was not also out there, toeing the line amidst 30,000+ other runners.  My heart longed to be out there, next to my husband as he ran the mini for the very first time, to be his support, lend him my ‘expert’ advice, and run this journey with him.  But being that I was 8 months pregnant and was unable to run as I had planned during my pregnancy, this was to be a race he’d have to run alone, and I would have to watch.

Everyone had started training in January.  It was cold and wet although it got unseasonably warm in March, it didn’t stick around and it went back into the cooler weather basically up until the week before the Mini.  Since there were lots of new runners I got to hear all their stories about how far they went, their time, how much it sucked or that they puked in someone’s front yard.  This was exciting for me—It was so awesome to see people find they could go further than the boundaries in their head, see them really push themselves and step out and do something they never thought they could.  Breaking those limits they or someone else had put on them at some point in their life.  Breaking the “I could never’s”.

I listened to stories about blisters and new shoes and target heart rates and fueling and when to Gu, crappy runs and PR runs, I was in heaven at least a little. But my heart longed to join them. Longed to run, let my legs go and just cruise. I wanted to be a part of the excitement and buzz.  Vicariously living the race excitement through my husband was still not the same as doing it myself.  What a reflection of our own relationship with the Lord-- that intimacy with the Him only comes when we ourselves enter in, bow our hearts and welcome Him in to that well in our heart that is only meant for Him.  We can never expect to enter in to that intimacy and go deeper without actually entering in ourselves. No one can do it for you.

I actually I learned a lot from being on the spectator side of the race this time.  I realized how much of a passion and lifestyle running has become for me.  I was reminded that no matter how much I want it for someone, they have to want it as much for themselves. No matter how much advice I have to offer, experience or knowledgeable resources I have, everyone has to run their own race, their own way.  I also realized that no matter how fun it was to be the spectator, there is nothing like running that race yourself. The time that was put in, the discipline, the finding the You you never knew was in there, none of that can be found sitting on the sidelines.  Just the same we must each find our own secret garden, prayer closet, holy hole that is between you and the Lord. Your parents’ relationship with the Lord will not sustain you.  Your friends that are on fire for the Lord can never take you to the holy of holies.  I have to want it, I have to discipline myself, no matter how much my mom may want it for me, only I can get to that place with the Lord.

So I found a spot right by the finish line and waited for my husband to cross so he could see me and I could meet him right away. While I was there I got to see the hundreds of other family members and friends there cheering on their loved ones. Saw hundreds and hundreds of people coming in to the finish, some walking, some kicking it in the final dash home, and a few actually collapsing feet from the finish line, all with a look of determination & achievement, and sheer exhaustion.  You could see the toll it took, the sacrifice.  All to cross that finish line and say “I did it”.  Some may find that silly or pointless but in the midst of the legs screaming and blisters and pain you dig deep and find one of two things:  I did Not prepare for this! Or Here we go! And pull from your training and kick it.  And just like our lives, we have those times we must dig deep, but what do you find?  Have you gone deep, dug and filled that well with the Lord so that in those trials you have something to pull from?  Have you put in the time, disciplined yourself, found that secret garden where you meet the Lord and are refreshed, prepared for the final stretch?  Or have you sat back enjoying other’s stories of divine meetings with the Lord?  Not made the time to meet with Him yourself?  Living on your parents’ relationship with the Father?

Are you finding that last oomph for your final kick at the end or are you that guy I passed on the ground feet from the finish line?

What has He done for you?

I was posed this question while reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz today and it really struck me.  It was prefaced by the question of Who is seeking to meet Jesus because of what He’s done in your life and followed up by the questions of Where were the people He had healed, restored and raised from the dead to testify on His behalf when He was placed on trial.

Both the preface and follow up to this question has struck a chord for me and made me search my heart as to how I would answer.  When was the last time I shared my testimony with someone? When was the last time I stepped up to testify against those speaking against Christ and spoke of what He’s done in my life?  When was the last time I simply spoke the truth of my complete restoration, mind, body and spirit from one encounter with the Lord?  When was the last time I refreshed my spirit just by recalling the amazing miracles the Lord has done in my life?

It’s been awhile, so let’s go back….

I was weighed down by depression and anxiety that kept me in a dark, ugly place.

I turned to drinking and drugs, anything to numb how much I hated myself.

I had pinched nerves in my lower back that made sitting, standing and lying down unbearable. I cried all day and then cried in my sleep.  

I had three discs out of place in my neck.

I had migraines since I was a teenager that would keep me out of school for weeks at a time and put me in the hospital. 

I had constant knee pain from a past injury.  

I had insomnia that would torture me day and night. 

I had been anorexic and bulimic since I was a child and it tormented every waking, and even sleeping, moment of my life.  It is the closest thing I can compare to living hell on earth.

I had digestive issues stemming from the eating disorder that made the simple and necessary act of eating a dreadful experience. 

I had TMJ, or lockjaw, that would get very painful because I clenched my teeth Extremely hard while I slept and at times it could take up to 20 minutes to get my mouth open.

I had female issues ever since I hit puberty that made me extremely sick and plagued my life as a young women.  From this I was told that getting pregnant could be rather hard.

I had a drawer full of medication for every single ailment, pain meds, sleeping meds, migraine meds, muscle relaxers, meds to help with digestion, meds to help with my female issues, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-inflammatory, and none of them were working.

BUT in One encounter with the Lord, He healed it all.  Depression and anxiety no longer have a hold in my life and I can live with joy and love.  Addictions lost their enticement because the Lord showed me He was my place of refuge and comfort and helped me see myself as He created me.  My back and neck were completely healed and I’m able to live an active life without pain.  I’ve maybe had one or two migraines in the last 4 years, but nothing that I can’t get through and that pass in a short time.  I don’t have knee issues and have actually found a great passion for running.  I now sleep like a baby and don’t dread getting into bed.  I am 100% free from the eating disorder and have learned to see myself through God’s eyes, the way He sees me and enjoy this body and life He’s given me.  I have zero digestive issues, my entire system has been restored and I can fully enjoy the simple act of eating.  I have never had another issue of lockjaw nor do I clench or grind my teeth.  And my reproductive system was completely healed, working as it should for the first time since I was 16.  And I got pregnant. 

From that time on I hadn’t taken so much as a Tylenol in the last almost 4 years (until I got pregnant) because I had grown to Know Jesus personally as my Healer. Rather than turning to medication when I got sick, I turned to prayer.  Sometimes He healed instantly, sometimes not. But until I got pregnant I hadn’t found one time that I Had to take something to get by. 

He had not only physically healed my body, but healed my mind to be free of wrong mindsets, to be able to see myself as He created me, healed me so that I could help set others free.  This is what He has done for me.  But ultimately, if He never healed me from any ailment, or answered another prayer, He has already done More than enough by sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and giving me eternal life.  And sometimes we just need to simply remind our spirits of what He has done for us, to not be so caught up on what we still need, but Remember where He has brought us from, brought us through.  And then we need to share it. There is power in your testimony.  People can say they simply don’t believe in God, or they have a ‘different’ god, but you can’t deny that I once was a depraved, lost, ailed girl headed down a path of death who is now free. It’s as simple as that.

So what’s your testimony? What road do you need to walk back down to stir your spirit to praise the Lord for what He has done for you?  Go back, visit those altars, remember, and then share it with someone who needs hope. Share it with those who don’t know Him.  Watch your spirit come alive. Watch your attitude change.  Watch God move.

Romans 9:20-21

September 16, 2011
So I’m reading Romans 9:20-21 this morning and it’s talking about the clay pots, I’ve read it a million times but this time it stuck out to me where it said some are made for noble things and others for common—it was like a punch to the stomach. What if I’m only made for common things? For the every day stuff? These desires in my heart are for greatness, for so much more…. Would those be there if I was only meant for the common day to day things of this world?
Then I was thinking, God doesn’t see things like we do. What we see as common may not exactly be the same way that He sees them, typically this is true in most cases I think. Then I thought about the disciples. They were All common people, in the midst of working and living their day to day lives when God stepped in and brought them into their destiny. It was IN THE MIDST of their day to day, ho hum, mediocre lives that they found their call, that that desire of their heart was fulfilled, or maybe even just stirred, showing them something they didn’t even know was there. And then I thought of David. Same thing. Tending the flock, daydreaming his days away and then one day he’s summoned and thrust into greatness. And Then he’s Told of his destiny, but has to go back to tending flock In The Meantime…. That’s rough right there. It was ages before he ever saw that prophecy, that destiny, that dream, that call, that gut-wrenching heart desire fulfilled, but it was. Did he curse God In his Meantime? Did he decide to switch plans, jobs, locations? Switch it up and see if that made it better, see if that made it come to pass quicker, help God out? No, he went back to his normal, every day life, and waited on the Lord to open the doors, to bring His clay pot to his destiny.
Maybe it comes as you walk the road you’re on, unless He tells you otherwise or opens another door then you’re on the right path? I think the hard part is the waiting of course. But He’s testing and trying us through the day to day I’m sure…. Are we a good steward? Do we work as unto Him not man? Do we work with excellence? Do we change the atmosphere and impact the sphere of influence we’ve already been given? Where is our heart in all of this? Do we grow bitter or continue to trust in the One Who created us and has destined our lives from before the beginning of creation? Or do we, as clay pots, shake our fists at the Creator, questioning why He made us as He did, never stopping to realize He didn’t Have to make us at all…..
Are we wishing away our lives, missing the moments and glimpses of His hand because our eyes are on ‘tomorrow’ and ‘greater’? We walk through the day to day in a zombie state just waiting for the way out or the promotion or the next great thing, when in reality we are missing the opportunities to minister, the chance to change lives, the possibility of stepping into our destiny at Any moment because Jesus is standing there waiting for us to see Him standing on the shoreline, waving us to follow Him.
Are lives are but a whisper so why do we spend it as if we had eternity? Because deep down we know we were Created for eternity, but not with this life.
Looking back through scriptures it was In the Midst of every day life that Jesus came and brought them out of their ‘every day’ life and into their destiny, into greatness. And as believers we are All called to greatness, to noble things, I think it’s the package, the clay pot we’ve been given that is different. We are not all called to be kings or millionaires or missionaries or mega church pastor, but we all have a great call, a great destiny to be fulfilled that is specific to the gifting we’ve been given. We are not all called to be Heidi Baker’s, that was not the pot I was made into, but should I curse my pot because it’s not like hers? That would be to say that what God created was garbage, which we know is not biblical so therefore cannot be true.
I think it comes down to perspective as well. Do we see ourselves as broken, common clay ash trays? Then we probably live our lives that way. But as a child of God that cannot be your view of yourself, shouldn’t be at least. We are to see ourselves as He sees us….The apple of His eye….The culmination of His Creation….His sons & daughters.
And because of that we should live that way, as David lived. We may not be walking in the ‘greatness’ that we think we should be, or even that we’ve been told or promised to be, but we are to live as David did, as God’s children. Knowing the great call we have on our lives and that it’s up to the Creator to determine when we are ready, when the clay is ready to come out of the refining fires of the furnace and placed in the showcase we were destined for, that heart’s desire fulfilled.
Are we living our as if we’re zombies in a mediocre life? Then that’s our choice. A sad, poorly thought through choice, but it’s yours to make. We should be living life fully alive, and if we’re not we need to adjust our perspective, what are we looking at? Are we looking at our lack of desires fulfilled in a ho hum existence or the Creator Who gave us this life to explore and promises to be fulfilled & seek out? Are you grabbing every moment, every opportunity, every encounter with the Lord and riding it to the summit? Are you taking your common, clay garbage can of a life and living every aspect of it to the fullest possibility? I may look like a common clay pot, but that’s exactly who Jesus likes to use….

A Booknerd on the Run

September 27, 2011
So I’m doing my hair at my vanity and I glance down at this book cover that’s sitting there. It’s There because let’s be honest, I can’t stand book covers. They get all flimsy and in my way when I just want to grab on to my book and dig in. I mean really, what’s the purpose? Other than to make the book look more appealing from the outside. But give me a plain jane book, nothing fancy and wow me when i dig in, that’s what i’m looking for in a book. And that’s why I love books, to collect them, re-read them, I don’t want to borrow yours, nothing against you but give me my own I can write in and highlight and put on the shelf for another day. I love them because no matter how fancy the cover, how dramatic the picture, how catchy the name, until you get in to it you really don’t know how great it is—or lame. As the saying goes, you truly can’t judge the book by it’s cover, and I love that!
Thinking about that made me think of why I love running so much. I’ve found over the last few races or so you’re taking in all the people around, different ages, sizes, dress and so on. I’ve found myself in the past determining in my head who I thought must have been running for ages and who has no idea what they’re getting into. Comparing the gadgets and newest shoes and sometimes just by how ‘in shape’ they looked. And then found myself marveled at the people that actually kicked my butt and those who barely made it across the line—and I was usually wrong. I love that about running, there is no restrictions, age limits, try-outs—-anyone can run. And you can’t judge from just looking if they’re any good. You can’t pre-determine that the grey hair is going to be slow, I’ve actually found they are well conditioned, been at this for years, and give me a run for my money, They are pacing me! We’re playing catch-me-if-you-can game and I’m the one trying to catch him! Some people in the fancy gear actually have nothing more than just that, fancy gear. This may have been their first race but in my head I pinned them as the winner based on what? Their Garmin watch?? I’ve also found that you Can tell a lot about a runner Once they’re running…This is interesting. Up until that point you’re all just a bunch of people standing around, waiting. But once you’re Running, you can tell who’s a well trained runner, who’s conditioned, who’s done more than just put on the new shoes. They take consistent strides, they are in control of their breathing, they have minimal movement—-that last one intrigues me. A conditioned runner uses as little unnecessary movement as possible, using just what he needs to keep going, no wasting energy on wide arm swings, flailing like a drowning chicken, moving all over. But you wouldn’t know this until you see them in action. You can’t tell how many years have been put in, the sweat and discipline just by looking at them. Just like you’d never know how good a book is until you read it. There’s an Action that is required first Before the judgment. That first step of faith before you can see the next.
But isn’s this true in just about all of life? We view people, things, situations from the outside and make a pre-determined judgement, and then base Our life off of that! Sounds crazy right? It is. Would you pick up a book, look at the fancy cover and decide it Must be the most knowledgeable read out there? I mean in reality, do those new running shorts Actually make you faster when you put them on? Make you conditioned to run a marathon just because you look the part? Of course not. But you have already excluded yourself from trying because your ‘gadgets’ aren’t as good as someone else’s, dismissed the book full of knowledge because the cover is cheesy and missed an opportunity to take on a new adventure because you’ve already limited yourself, excluded yourself. You assume you won’t be able to do it so you excuse yourself from the already impending embarrassment you Know that was sure to come if you tried.
I’ve found this incorrect, life-sucking thinking to be apparent in my life and been working to remove it as quickly as possible. Somewhere in my life there have been limitations put on me, or taken on myself, that say “You won’t be good at that…”, “You can’t do….”. Those times when you look at something and say “Oh i could never do that…” and dismiss the thought without further review. But WHY can’t you do ‘that’? Have you tried? Do you not want to? Or do you already assume you’d be an epic fail because……??? And how did you come to that conclusion without any evidence? How many times have you convinced yourself you’re not a runner before you even got your shoes on? I’ve found that many times in my life i would dismiss an opportunity for a new adventure based on judging it from the outside. I can’t run a marathon of course, I mean I’M not a runner.….. Um, why not again?? There are 80 year old women on their 10th marathon, people with prosthetic limbs doing it, but i can’t because…..??? Ya that will change your perspective, it’s definitely changed mine. I figured I couldn’t mountain bike with my husband. Why?? No good reason other than I didn’t even let myself Ponder the opportunity without dismissing it, so i tried it and loved it! I’m not Great and can’t do some of the more challenging courses but i Can mountain bike. I’m working to stop excluding myself before I’ve even laced up and give it a shot, you Can’t go through life limiting yourself based on judgements you’ve made from the Outside. Do you know how many books I Wouldn’t have read because of the cover? And I’m a book nerd! I’ve missed lots of new adventures in my past because I was afraid or I believed a lie about myself, I put limitations on myself. But I consciously work to push past that. I can do all things through Christ, so why not a mini-triathalon!? Any time I find myself saying “Oh i can’t do that…” I stop and ask myself WHY? If i can’t find a Good reason, I have to at least give it a shot.

You are not a Tree

September 30, 2011

So lately, or for awhile, it’s been that struggle of not Loving where I’m at but not knowing what to do. My job is a job but not my passion. I’ve thought about school but not sure the Exact direction Plus once I have kids I want to be a stay at home mom so I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. So I go back and forth all the time, what to do what to do. There’s always the option to find another job but then what? So instead I’ve found myself grumbling…. to myself., and sometimes my husband. And this as we all know leads to no good. So I continue to pray, and believing that one day the things I Love will be used to a greater or more financial degree, one can hope.
But what till then?? I read this quote recently: “If you don’t like where you are, change it. You are not a tree.” Pretty smart I must say. So I’ve pondered that quite a bit, though still unsure what the next step would be. Now I’ve also thrown out some stuff in different directions, passions that needed a starting point I’ve finally put to foot. I’m not just sitting by complaining in a pity party. But that can take, wait for it—TIME. Sigh. But I’m planting seeds I guess you can say. Looking at my options. Dreams being stirred. Gifting’s finding a footing in reality perhaps? A recent lyric from the new Switchfoot CD that caught my ear…. “I want to thrive not just survive…” And this is where I’m at I guess. I want more of course but am just not sure the exact Means to get ‘there’ though the Lord has planted some things in my heart recently, small seeds, Fragile seeds that I am vigilantly protecting. And it’s exciting. But there’s still the ho hum of the lack of Love for my 9-5. And then I felt like the Lord was saying that I have two choices where I’m at right now…. Change your location or change your perspective. WOW. Hmmm that’s one to ponder. And it’s true, And I know it. I am Not a tree so I can move, change jobs if I hate it that much. OR I can change my perspective and stay there. But those are the ONLY two options. Staying and complaining was not one of them, I’m assuming for a reason.
So what to do what to do. I know I’ll stay, at least for now, He’d already been changing my heart, giving me grace. Even just by Him awakening dreams I didn’t realize it has made my job less Less desirable. Gives me a vision, something to work towards, and gives this job purpose: it helps us save Towards those dreams…. Having kids soon (I hope!), me being able to be a stay at home mom and Hopefully work towards those dreams He’s given me. Without vision for your life it is easy to feel stuck and lose your joy. And even though I’m still not actually doing anything IN my specific dream, that brings profit anyway, I have a vision, a dream to pursue and watch unfold as the Lord takes me on this journey of revealing my place in the desires He’s given me. Very exciting! I think it’s also quite true, you will thrive where your heart is, where your gifting is, when you’re in your sweet spot that God has called you to be, There is nothing better.
And I know He’s everyday continuing to shape and refine me through the trials at my job. And let’s face it, who Loves that? I don’t, but it’s good. It’s a constant reminder to self to watch my attitude, not get down and keep my eyes on the vision He gave me. It’s not always easy, some days are just plain stinky, like yesterday for one. But my vision goes beyond the day to day and my job while there is to be Jesus. I fail every stinking day. But I get up again and try again. And as I’ve said, some days are easier then others, but you don’t quit trying, there is a dream to pursue! A dream that has to become a vision, a vision that Someone has to make a reality! A destiny to be fulfilled! Might as well start today!

Sandy Shoes

October 1, 2011

I spent a whole week in Florida on vacation with my husband and friends recently. It was amazing. Ocean, swimming, relaxing, heaven. Of course I packed my running shoes, was looking forward to some runs on the beach which was a first. I wasn’t sure If i could run on the beach, if the sand would be too soft or what that looked like. But it turns out there’s lots of packed, rough, hard sand you can run on if you run down somewhat close to the tide coming in. So I went out for my first run Sunday afternoon just after we watched a breathtaking storm come in off the ocean.
So there was plenty of packed, hard sand to run on. I laced up, left the ipod at home and hit the beach. I listened to the deafening sound of the tide roll in and out, took in the endless sky and I ran down the coast with nothing but ocean and clouds in my view and let myself take it in. There was a lot to take in since this was my first time running on the beach next to the ocean, I was in heaven. As I’m running on the sand I realized that it was, as I have said, hard. It was packed, rough, not the nice, fluffy ‘easy’ sand further away from the tide. Not the sand castle building sand, but this was perfect for running. If I tried running in the soft sand it would make this Much harder, as we’ve all attempted to run in sand and felt like a floundering fish. Like trying to run in quicksand and every step just seems to drag you down.
This made me think of my own life. It always seems that the hard times, those rough patches in my life have always taken me the farthest. When things are easy, or soft, you just flow with it it seems. No urgency, no real drive, just taking it easy. But it’s when things get hard, there is conflict, financial struggles, sickness, that we seem to step up—fight back, get upset—-there is Movement. It is not always noticeable right away as we are in the middle of a struggle, but when you look back you can see how far you’ve come from that pier Waaay in the distance, and I realize how much Longer that would have taken, how much Harder it would have been to try to do on the fluffy sand. It was the hard stuff that got me this far.

And I know the Lord uses those hard times to push us forward, to stir us up, keep us from becoming complacent, cause Movement. Running is movement, but how easy or hard it is is sometimes dependent on the surface we are running on. Are we running on solid, even ground? How is your foundation in your own life? Are you planted on solid, high ground? Or on the sands that will so easily shift and cause you to loose your footing? Keep running, and don’t curse the next trial, but maybe take a second to look back in the midst and see how far it’s taken you……

Running for Superheros

I read an article once, basically it was about how running is just that, running. No superhuman strength, no big to do or life-saving feat and it made me laugh. It was sad but for the most part true, in the context he was talking about. That is, until I needed my superhuman power to save my husband…
A little dramatic I know but it came in handy one evening. We headed out after work one night for what would have been his first 6 mile run. Left the house, headed out to the bike trail and cruised. Now he had been having some issues previously with what sounded like his IT band but hadn’t gotten it looked at yet. We get out to mile 3 and turned around, I usually like to hit the halfway point and head back so we end back at home. His knee was acting up about that time but he kept running. Finally about mile 3.5 he had to stop. We walked, he was really frustrated. He tried jogging again. He was limping it was so bad so I made him stop again. He took a few more steps and went down to the ground in so much pain—he couldn’t even Walk. We were still 2+ miles from home (which I didn’t know at the time) and it was getting dark, and we had no phone. I knew I had to run home and get the car, there was no other way. I told him to try to make it up to the next street crossing and I’d pick him up there, stay and wait for me I would be Right back. And I took off.
Now I feel a Little guilty to say but I started my watch to keep track of distance and pace…. Partly because I wanted to see how far the run was going to be and partly because I wanted to capture the miles, pace, see if I got a personal best. I know I know that’s horrible but it also helped push me. I took off Way faster then I ever run because I was concerned. I didn’t know if he had torn something, it was getting dark and he’d be sitting there just waiting until I got back—and I needed that to be sooner rather than later. I sprinted like it was my job. And then I started breathing too hard and slowing down and Then I had to remind myself to Do all the things I tell others to do when I’m pacing them—Breathe Riannon, this is no time to forget your form, you can’t fall apart and throw all your training away right Now. So I pushed and ran and ran. Now 2 miles isn’t far with all the mileage I’ve done but After running almost 4 and then going to a dead Sprint, let’s say it was training I was apparently needing.
I would watch my pace when I would start to feel that burn, my body fighting back and I would check and if my time was dropping I would kick it up again—this is no time to wimp out! This isn’t about a training run, this is for real! There are lives at stake people! Dramatic much, I know but don’t we All want to feel that sense of being needed though?? That sense of knowing You’re the only one that can help at this moment because you’ve been preparing for this every day you go out for those “pointless” runs?? I threw my cape to the wind and pushed on.
It was slowly getting duskier and I was almost home. The whole run thinking “Boy am I glad I’m in shape or this would have been a 2 mile walk….”. And that just wouldn’t have cut it. I got home, jumped in the car and picked up my husband. Nothing torn, just a limp and his bummed pride that he was unable to finish. We drove home and though I was concerned for him I couldn’t help but be a little proud of my time, and myself. I thoroughly love that I got the chance to use my superpower to be a superhero by doing that ‘boring and pointless thing’ I love, running.

And then there were three...

Have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you might explode? Go crazy even? It consumes your thoughts, your daydreams, your actual dreams? What makes it even harder is when the desire of your heart is from the Lord. And the desire for a child is definitely from God. The child itself is a gift from God. And that’s great except it was taking over my life and causing distress. Now you may wonder how a desire, that is from God that is a gift can cause such angst—-well no matter how Good it may be when we start to worship the gift and not the Provider, it does not go well. I wanted to be pregnant so bad it consumed about 95% of my day and night at times. Which means there was little time for the Lord or anything else. This my friend, is idolatry. Gasp! You mean to tell me that my desire for a child that was given to me By God can be idolatry?? Absolutely, when you worship the gift over the One Who gives it. At that time I wanted a child more than anything, Anything, and that is just off. Some days I would fear that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, and would have to pray against it. I would doubt that He would bless us with one, and would pray against that. All these negative fears were invading my mind and speaking death into my life, if I allowed it. Where was This coming from?? I’m healthy, the Lord restored and healed my body, I had no reason to doubt I wouldn’t get pregnant. I believe partly because my focus was off. I didn’t have my eyes on the Lord, the One Who provides and therefore my perception was off and I was allowing the enemy to whisper fears into my ear. But I continued to fight back. I prayed, read scripture and finally had to get things in alignment. One day the Lord basically told me I worshipped this child more than I worshipped Him—-OUCH!! Ugh, punch to the gut, but it was true, I had allowed my desire for Him to wane in my desire for a child, that COMES from HIM!! Isn’t this the story of the Israelites over and over? I repented and did the hardest thing, released the desire for children back to Him, He knows best. I trust the Lord and if that is true I will trust His timing is perfect and His plans for me are good….Whatever that means, and that’s the hardest part to swallow. I remember a part in Facing the Giants when the wife was praying about getting pregnant and finally said (my interpretation), ‘I will worship you wether I can get pregnant or not, I will still love you.’ Makes me cry every time! How many of us can say that, and truly mean it?? THAT is hard. But I did this, it took everything within me and it took awhile to get to the point where I could say it and Mean it. Because He is still God and He is still good wether I could get pregnant or not. He gave me this desire it is up to Him to make it come to pass, wether that meant getting pregnant or adopting, it would happen, in His timing. But I also found during this journey I encountered many women, some friends that are fighting these same fears—-‘What if I can’t get pregnant???’ And some of them have No foundation and can’t tell me Why they feel that way so it’s made me think. As women we were Created to procreate, to carry the seed and have children….This was made up in our DNA from the beginning of time and just because we’re not in Eden doesn’t mean that desire has any less faded. But we aren’t in Eden , we have fallen oh so far from grace and it is evident every day in our lives. There is sickness and death and unexpected tragedies that we may never understand in this life. And some women who’s hearts longing and desire is to be a mother, can’t, well not naturally. And we mourn the loss, the loss of what we know we were meant to be but cannot. Not because God is punishing us, but because we live in a fallen world that is far from our Home that our hearts remember. Seeing my friends and people I know struggle with this Breaks my heart. Now I had no reason to believe there was anything wrong with me, I was just rather impatient. But some of my friends actually have been trying Everything for quite some time and still nothing. The doctors tell them it won’t happen (Be Careful who you let speak into your life!!!), nothing is working and they are heartbroken—-and I don’t have many words to console except that I am praying for them, because I am and I know the power of prayer. And that we must be even the more guarded about our thoughts and what we speak…. The enemy knows that sometimes all he has to do is plant the seed, We will water it. If he plants doubt, and we continue to water it, we will eventually believe it and speak it. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21. So what are you speaking? I had to check myself here. I found that anytime I talked about it it was negative so I just quit talking about it. If it was brought up in conversation I would try to opt out or keep it short, the last thing I wanted was to speak Death over myself, I know the power of my words. So ladies guard your heart!! Guard against negativity and fear that is being spoken, if it’s by others, get away, if it’s by you, shut your mouth! The Dr’s may say there’s no hope But in Christ there is all hope! Keep your eyes on Him, the Creator of the universe, the Restorer of your heart and soul. His words are the only Truth in this ‘relative’ society. So put on your armor, we are at war! Take captive your thoughts and keep your eyes on Jesus. So once I began this journey, getting my perspective corrected, giving back this desire to the Lord and not putting it Before Him, speaking life over myself things got easier. That heavy dread and fear was gone and i was free to just enjoy the ride. Shortly after this when I was running home to get the car when Mike couldn’t walk (see Running for Superheros) I was on the little trail that goes from the bike trail to the subdivision. As I came around the curve I saw a deer standing in the path, I smiled and kept running. As I got closer it ran off into the trees. Then another one ran across and into the trees. Then a BABY ran across!! I about started crying, though I could hardly breath because I knew it was from the Lord letting me know He hadn’t forgotten my heart!! My heart was overwhelmed by His love and though part of me wanted to ask, “Ok, so WHEN then??” I knew better so I held on to that promise. About two weeks or so after that ( I don’t have a for sure time line) Mike and I were mountain biking at Winona with our close friends. Back on a gorgeous trail Stephanie spots a deer. Mike and I stop while they ride ahead. Then we see a baby! And a buck!! It’s a whole family Right there and we are in AWE!!! My heart was ready to explode because I knew it was the Lord confirming Again for us Both that He had perfect plans for us and it Would happen. Mike and I were just blown away by God’s love and the way He chooses to reveal Himself to His children—He met us out on the trails, mountain biking with our friends, living life. Ahhhh! That weekend was also our 2 year anniversary so it was doubly special and then 2 weeks after that we spent a week on vacation in Daytona with Collin and Stephanie. It was great, and would also be our last vacation without kids!!! Two weeks after we came back from vacation we found out we were expecting and I have been in shock ever since! My heart is so full there are no words, it is so humbling to know that He is the Giver and Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows James 1:17. Who does not change! He is Faithful even when I doubt. He is Provider when I lack. He is the Almighty even when I worship idols. He is God and I am not. He is sovereign in all things and how small do I feel knowing that no matter how much I wanted this it is not something I could Make happen. His timing is perfect, His ways are good, His love is all-encompassing. So now we have the weight of the responsibility to carry in raising and loving and rearing this child in the fear of the Lord, because at the end of our lives, we will stand before God and have to answer for our childrens lives. Wow, the weight of that is Sobering, as it should be. And we know we can’t do Any of this well without God’s guidance every step of the way. After all, this is HIS child He is giving us, He knows best how to raise and love them so we would be wise to lay aside our own thoughts and rely fully on His guidance. Luckily He laid it all out in a fancy dancy little book called the Bible and gave us His Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. Thank You Lord for your many blessings!!

How Does Running Glorify God?

Training for Baby

Today I am 30 weeks and 4 days pregnant, or about 7.5 months.  I’m in my third trimester, the final stretch, my belly is definitely showing and some days my exhaustion is at its peak.  I have found it hard to get motivated to write since I’ve been pregnant because I haven’t really been able to run, and on my runs is when I feel like I can clear my head, get inspired, process things, and just get some quiet time with the Lord.  I truly believe He has used my times of running as a way to inspire me, speak to my heart, really connect, and uses it to motivate me to write.  I find myself refreshed, refocused, and re-energized after a good run.

Needless to say, I have sadly only run Twice since I’ve been pregnant. Totally the opposite of what I had originally planned to do while pregnant—which was run til I waddled.  But my first going into my second trimester I was very sick.  It was Rough to put it nicely.  It took quite a toll on my body and most times I had barely enough energy to just make it to the bathroom.  Once that started to pass, the fatigue and exhaustion set in.  I’ve tried changing my prenatal, adding protein drinks, veggie drinks, eating more protein and so on, to no avail.  I have my good days where I can get a lot done and keep moving until I finally need a nap or to at least lie down. And then there’s other days where I make it out of bed, eat and have to turn around and get back in bed and sleep some more. 

So between the horrible morning sickness and the exhaustion, it’s easy to say I have been lacking in motivation and inspiration to write.  This makes me almost as sad as my inability to run right now.  I have lots of friends and family who are training for the Indy Mini next month including my husband, I get emails about upcoming races in the area all the time, and read running books and magazines—all  of which is somewhat self-torturous.   Some days it makes me crazy because in my mind I can still get out there and hit the trail and just go, but right now my body says otherwise.  My husband had a realization the other day that not running for me would be like him not being able to play his guitar anymore (he’s meant to be a worship leader) and I said absolutely, but throw in not being able to work out anymore as well because there is the physical aspect to it too.  He finally could understand how hard this is for me.  He also says this will be a great motivator to get back in shape quicker after the baby is here, which I totally agree.

But don’t misunderstand, I Love being pregnant. This has been my heart’s desire, we prayed for this child and I cannot Wait to meet her! It’s just a new season for me and I’m just learning to adjust and adapt as I go. I’ve found I can relate being pregnant, especially the first time, to training for the Mini the first time. I actually think in ways it has helped prepare me for being pregnant.

  In the beginning it can really take its toll. I remember the first few weeks I started training it took All the energy out of me, I would be in bed by 8pm every night., my body was not used to expending so much energy and getting up so early for my runs.  I had to start focusing on or changing what I was eating.  Had to make sure I was fueling properly—this area has been a struggle for me both in the Mini and being pregnant.  Then as we went along, there are the aches and pains in new places but also strength in others. Your body changes, you overuse something or because of the hormones your body loosens and so I have had to see a chiropractor for both.  I had to get the correct shoes and clothes—this is more fun in running than being pregnant, more stylish too.  Let’s be honest, getting new running shoes and gear is way more fun to shop for than maternity clothes, right?   And of course the change in my body.  It happens gradually in both but it seems like one day you wake up and Wow, look at those defined muscles! Or Wow, look at that bump!, which more accurately describes me now.  I love that all these changes, things you have to adapt or adjust to, everything that comes along with both, as hard as it may be at times is getting you to that goal. That pay off.  And trust me, I am not comparing finishing a half marathon to the beauty that will come from having my first child but anything worth having is worth fighting for—working for, sacrificing for.

Do I miss my pre-preggo body? Of course, but would I give up having a child just to go back to that? Heck no! This ever growing pregnant belly is a daily reminder of the gift that we have been so blessed to have.  To feel life moving inside, there is nothing better.  Was my first trimester one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through? Absolutely. Would I trade it for comfort? No way.  In so many ways training for the Mini had helped prepare me for this time.  The sacrifice, the discipline, the good days and the bad, the forever uphill climbs, feeling like you’ve got nothing left but you keep going because you haven’t accomplished your goal yet, haven’t reached that finish line.  There are run days and rest days, both are not only an option but needed.  I had to learn to read my body while I was training so I didn’t hurt myself, push too hard, know when to rest—and how much more since I’ve been pregnant because this isn’t just about me anymore.  Which is why I’m writing this on my laptop in bed….

So apparently even while I can’t run now, it seems running has taught me a lot, even about being pregnant, who would have thought??

What Do You Want

I just picked up the book Soulprint by Mark Batterson and am still reading the intro. He’s talking about finding out your destiny, who you were created to be and so on.  Good stuff so far.  My brain started drifting for a second and I started thinking about who and what I want to be.  I pulled out my journal and started listing….

I want to be sharp.

Apostle Tetsola was a guest speaker at a conference at our church this past weekend and he spoke about being a sharp axe head, about not losing your Edge.  How easy it is to become dull overtime and not realize it til we’ve gone so far down the path of complacency or mediocrity that we don’t even realize we’ve strayed.  It doesn’t mean there was a sin, but a lack of edge, passiveness, lack of sharpness in the Spirit, a fire that has been left unattended and has simmered down with time and lack of attention.  I knew this was where I was even though I hated admitting it. There was no major back sliding, just a passion that I had allowed to sit on the backburner.  An axe head will become dull from lack of use.  Ouch.

But my heart’s cry is to always keep my edge, what good is a dull axe head? Spiritually what good am I to anyone if my heart and spirit is dull? I want to be sharp. To be ready to battle for my marriage, battle for my children, battle for my friends and family, battle for myself, battle for whatever the Lord brings me to. I want to be ready in the spirit, prepared, on guard.  I want to be sharp to be able to accomplish the will of the Lord in my life.

I want to be pure.

I want my whole being to be so full of the Lord that there is no room for anything else.  I want that pure, childlike faith and love.  I want a clean mind and thoughts.  I want dove eyes for the Lord. I want to be untainted by things of this world. We should live in this world but not be of it.  I want to be free from pollutants, free from the things that would cause me to lose my edge. I want to be unmixed with the ways of the world. This may mean not watching movies others find acceptable, not listening to music that is popular and not going places that I used to frequent.  Pastor Lonny would always say, Let nothing come before my eyes, in my ears, or out of my mouth that does not line up with the Word of God.  How sweet is that?   I want my words to come from a pure heart. I want my love to come from pure motives.  I want my actions to come from a pure mind. A pure heart begets a pure life.  And not just look pretty on the outside, but pure and washed from the inside out. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. I want to stand before Him white as snow, not in my own efforts but by His love and grace.  “Create in me a pure heart” Psalm 51:10—God must create the pure heart in me, I can’t do it on my own, but this is my heart’s cry.

 I want to be unwavering, steadfast

I want to be immovable in my faith. Unshakable in my morals.  I want to stand in the face of opposition and not flinch.  I want my face to be set like flint in times when I have to make a decision regarding my standards whether they are popular or not.  I want to be unwavering in the way I raise my children. Unwavering in the covenant I have made with my spouse.  Resolute in my convictions and what I allow in my home.  “And renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalm 51:10.  Restore that unwavering spirit in me, bring it back to the fullness it once was.  Over time we can get worn down from the constant waves of life banging against our shores and slowly lose that consistent spirit. But renew it in me Lord, let me not become compromising of the things that matter.

I want to be undivided.

I want to be wholly devoted to the Lord. I want to be fully focused on my call, my walk, the Lord.  I want Him to have my full attention.  A heart that beats for one purpose, serves one Master. “Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name” Psalm 86:11.  I don’t want to be pulled in multiple directions, away by things of this world, giving none of them my full devotion. It is easy at times to fall into this, life is busy, the list doesn’t end of must-do’s and somewhere along the way we have spread ourselves too thin and God no longer has our full heart.  I believe this requires staying sharp in the Spirit, remaining pure, and keeping ourselves steadfast in the Lord.  Only with an undivided heart can you truly fear, reverence, the Lord.  Can you truly stand in awe of Who He is. He wants our full hearts, whole devotion, our whole lives. 

We should also be undivided in every area of our lives I believe. Our children will want our undivided heart and attention. Our spouses deserve the deepest, truest parts of who we are, not just what is left over. Our passions and giftings deserve whole hearted pursuit. In anything I do want to be fully there, fully engaged, all in.

I want to be purposeful.

I believe this has very much to do with having vision or goals for yourself or life.  The bible says the people perish for lack of vision.  So basically, without a purpose your life slips away, none for the better.  Without a plan life will just pass you by, time will pass and you’ll wonder where it went.  I want to live my life On purpose, For a purpose.  I want to be strategic about how I spend my time, be purposeful in my actions and words, be intentional in my relationships.  I want to be deliberate in my pursuits and passions.  If that is writing, then I will be deliberate to pursue it and pour into it.  When it comes to running, I want to be purposeful and make the time for it because it benefits not only my health but me as a person.  I want what I pour into my marriage to have meaning, not just go through the motions.  I want to be strategic about what I speak to my children, about the example I am in how I live my life.  I want my time with the Lord to have purpose, to glorify Him through my life.  I believe this requires a conscious effort because it is so easy to get in a routine and go through the motions but I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now and wonder what happened to my life.

 I want to be compassionate.

For those who know me you know this is not always a strength for me, it humbles and embarrasses me to say.  It’s not because I don’t care, but I have always been more of a logical thinker, I process with my head before my heart.  I’m more black and white.  These are great strengths at times but Jesus had Compassion that Moved Him.  The Pharisees knew the law but lacked compassion—I do Not want to be a Pharisee. Jesus saw past the black and white, the right and wrong and saw to the heart of the matter, the heart of the person. And I want that.  I want His heart, His eyes.  One definition of compassion is ‘a feeling of deep sympathy for another….accompanied by the strong desire to alleviate their suffering’.  It’s not enough to just feel sorry for someone, but there is a call to action as well.  Many times in the New Testament it speaks of Jesus seeing the people, having compassion for them and then…healing their sickness, feeding the multitudes, or teaching them.  His compassion Compelled Him to meet their need, meet them where they were despite the circumstances.  I want my compassion to overrule my brain, I don’t want to see a problem to be solved, but a life to be loved, encouraged.  I want to see people through God’s eyes. 

I want to be fierce.

I love that word. Makes me think of a fearless warrior.  It doesn’t make me think of myself.  It seems in the bible the word fierce typically seems to precede the word anger in reference to the Lord and His wrath against sin, idolatry, and wickedness. I wasn’t thinking with so much of a negative connotation when this word came to mind but this definition also works because my main desire was to be spiritually fierce.  And God’s wrath and anger are correct in connection with sin.  I also see it as a positive description—I want someone fierce on my team, in my corner.  I want someone who will show no mercy when it really counts. And I want that to be me when it comes to spiritual battles.  When it comes to protecting my family.  I want to be fierce in my training, not holding back, take no prisoners attitude—it’s you or me and I’m not quitting.  I want to be intense in a way that’s brought about by pure passion.

 I think of David facing Goliath.  He was fierce—he would not stand for this Philistine to continue to defy His God. It says he Ran Towards Goliath—he didn’t run away from his challenge, his mountain, his fear but ran Towards it with a boldness that came from his passion to defend God’s name.  I want to run At my mountains not from them. I want to boldly come against the enemy’s attacks on my family. I want to fiercely fight for my daughter’s generational line.  I want to fiercely make God’s name known.  I want to unrelentingly accomplish a full marathon.  No matter what your mountain, attack it fiercely, take no prisoners.

I want to be fearless.

For most my life fear has played a big role, mainly in the form of fear of failure.  I’m still a work in progress but I have made some conscious moves to purposefully overcome this fear.  My husband is an all-in kind of guy—he gives it his all sometimes not knowing if he will succeed or fail, and that’s ok, he won’t know until he gives it a shot.  I typically needed to know that I have a good chance of success before I’d even give it a shot, because why bother trying if I’m not going to be good at it, or great, right? WRONG.  This has been my mentality for years that I’m working to overcome.  I missed out on a lot over the years because I never even gave myself the chance to see if I was any good at….fill in the blank.  I was afraid to fail, afraid to look bad (pride), afraid of not being good enough. But in the last few years with the continued encouragement and example of my husband and the Lord’s truth speaking to that area I’ve been able to push past this fear in many ways. How freeing!  I’ve learned to snowboard and mountain bike, ran my first half marathon, started writing and actually putting it out there for others to read.  As it turns out, I really enjoy snowboarding and mountain biking and I found two of my deep passions in running and writing.  Most these things I most likely would have never tried before because of those dreaded two words: What If?  What If I sucked at snowboarding? What If I couldn’t hang with the pack while biking? What If I couldn’t finish the Mini? What If someone bashed my writing??  And as my husband would say, So what?? The world doesn’t end, you just pick yourself up and move on, try again or chalk it up to a learning experience. 

Fear is a lack of faith.  Lack of faith in myself to try something new. Lack of faith in the Lord to be greater than your circumstance, illness, or situation.  I like the way Pastor Tucci put it, ‘Faith moves ahead expecting victory, fear pulls back expecting defeat’.  Look at that perspective, the stance you have to take in either situation: you’re either Expecting victory or Expecting defeat.  You’re either moving Ahead or pulling Back.  Either running Towards or running Away.  I’m personally sick of allowing fear to rule my life, of silencing my dreams, of causing me not to live fiercely, purposefully, and I plan to continue to push past that fear and pursue the adventure that is awaiting me.

I want to persevere.

I think this relates closely to wanting to be fearless.  One definition is: ‘to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement’.  To be fearless is the first step, you have to start, attempt, try, but to persevere is to continue or remain constant in the face of those trials.  It’s not just good enough to attempt something, but I want to endure, persist stubbornly, and see it to the end.  I didn’t just want to Attempt to run a half marathon, I wanted to Finish.  I started by facing the fear of What If’s and looked forward expecting victory.  Then I was able to remain constant in the hard times, when the training got more intense, when I was tired or sore.  I stayed focused on the goal at hand.

In the face of every day trials I want to persevere. In the face of sickness, loss or heartache. In the face of unforeseen obstacles. It’s not just about persisting at something, but doing so in the Midst of trials and letdowns.  Which means there is some sort of resistance you are coming against.   “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,” Hebrews 12:1. We are to run this ‘race’ with endurance, with the mindset of finishing boldly.  I don’t just want to attempt, I want to achieve, overcome, accomplish.  As Yoda said, Do or do not. There is no try.  Not bad for a fictional character.