Princess Under Attack

I hear the not so subtle screams of society telling our littles they’re just not good enough.  Not perfect.  I hear it in every magazine, commercial and shop window.  The blatant attack of clothes that hiss, “Eat Less”. 

But what is perfect?

Is it a pant size? Weight? Cup size?

It is, in itself, unattainable. 

Yet our society floods our sisters with images telling them that is exactly what they need to achieve to be accepted.  Loved. Wanted.  Beautiful.  Good enough.

And the more we strive to fit a mold not made for us, the emptier we feel.

And that hole cannot be filled with diets or drugs or sex or makeup or food or alcohol.  Those things only leave us feeling deadened, dirtier, and filled with shame.

It is like Alice chasing the rabbit down the black hole, and we fall further and further away from ourselves.

It is a hole only God can fill.  An ache and yearning only He can soothe. 

Daughters! Sisters! Darlings!

You are not a size.  You are a soul.

You are not a number.  You are a name.

 Ladies, your worth is not determined by the number on the scale, the size of your pants or the curve of your hips.  It can’t be measured or weighed; it goes far beyond anything tangible.

You are beautiful because of WHO you are and WHOSE you are, not WHAT (size, number, weight) you are.

You are beautiful because of what only you can offer: Yourself.

 Your heart.  Your dreams.  Your beauty. Your uniqueness.

And instead of fighting with all we have to guard the very things God has given us that make us so extraordinary, we loathe our temples and destroy them in an attempt to attain empty promises that only keep us from reaching our destiny. The lies keep us focused on what we think we are not—

Perfect enough

Pretty enough

Small enough

Tall enough

Smart enough……

And we completely miss seeing who we truly are—

Strong.  Unique.  Lovely.  Wise.  Smart.  Beautiful. Powerful.

But we will only see ourselves correctly when we see Him correctly, because only He Who created you can tell you who you are.  We will always feel empty and lost and inadequate as long as we continue to look to the world or others for validation.

The screams of lies can be deafening the longer we choose to listen, but isn’t it time we start screaming back? Fighting back?  Standing up for our littles?

We are not mindless drones.

We are not called to be timid, people-pleasing, pushovers.  We are called to ROAR!

To lead. To create. To inspire. To bring life.

And the world desperately needs your voice.  Our littles need strong, fierce, loving, passionate and free women to lead them.  Not ‘perfect’ women, exhausted from striving with nothing left to offer because they sold it all for empty promises. 

Be a fly on any wall at the salon, restaurant or girls night and what does the conversation inevitably seem to turn to at some point?

Weight. Diet. Exercise. Food.

Someone’s trying the newest fad diet.  Someone else is so unhappy with ‘this’, while pinching at their sides.  Someone else can’t eat this, this or ALL that.

Where are the life-giving, empowering, encouraging, self-loving ladies?

When did our world become no bigger than the size of our pants?

We are women! We are world changers! We are life givers!

Are we instilling self-confidence, identity and self-love in our littles by our words? Or is self-deprecating comments all they hear us speak about ourselves and others?

They need someone to show them the way and speak the truth of who they are in contrast to the garbage they are plagued with. 
They need someone to turn off the blaring radio of empty promises and whisper the truths of who God created them to be.

They need you, me, us!

They need us to take off the masks of insecurity and striving and show them how to be real, raw, and vulnerable.  And show them that in those moments, that’s where they’re truly strong.

They need what only you can bring--Your life. Your strength. Your vision. Your unique perspective of Christ.  It is a role only you can fill.

But we’ll never change the world and set women free buying into the lies the world feeds us.  It keeps us weak.  Chained.  Scared.  Powerless.

We must fight back.  Take a stand.  Be bold. Buck the norm.  And set a new standard. 

The fight is on for the lives of our princesses.

 

 

Mountain O'Marriage

Last week Mr. M and I had our 4^th wedding anniversary, and to celebrate we climbed our first 14er!  Talk about an adventure….

It was trying, difficult, exhilarating, intense, fun and overall an awesome accomplishment.  And being that this was for our anniversary, the parallels between climbing a mountain and marriage were not lost on me.

We started off on the trail bright and early. We were excited and probably overconfident in our capabilities while naïve to the obstacles that laid ahead.  See the correlations already??

It was early morning and everything just looked stunning as the sunlight was beginning to break through the trees and casting shadows on the surrounding mountains. 

As we made it over the tree line the trail went from a slow grade of dirt and grass to more rocks and boulders.  Definitely wasn’t prepared for that.

 

Every so often we’d stop, catch our breath, take in the view and take some more pictures.  I loved to turn around and look back at where we had just been. 

And every time I was amazed at the progress we had made. 

How different it looked from this view. 

And was proud of how far we had come.  Together. 

The further we got on our climb the harder it became.  There was no more dirt or grass trail to follow, it was all rock. 

 

Big rocks.

Slate rocks.

Moving, shifting, unstable rocks. 

And the trail got narrower as we were now following right along the spine.  To stay on the best line you couldn’t easily be two people wide.  But we kept moving along, taking turns leading and setting a comfortable pace.  Whoever was in front throwing back a warning of loose rocks or slippery areas ahead.

 

As we climbed we started to come across more people.  Some were already heading back—which I secretly envied as my lungs were burning and legs were aching.  Others were still heading to the summit and we seemed to settle into a small group of people around the same pace.

It was nice to see friendly faces along the way; we’d encourage each other or make a joke about whose horrible idea this was.  It always lightened the mood when we were struggling to keep going. 

For some this was their first 14er.  Others had done many before.

And then there was a dad with his 3 daughters.  Just cruising along.  He had his 4 year old in a hiking back pack with his 6 and 7 year old tagging along.  This was their 5^th 14er.  *jaw drops* 

Mr. M and I were just floored. I mean come on! We were struggling to keep moving and these kids reminded me of Legolas from Lord of the Rings—light and nimble on their feet and moving along with what seemed to take no effort at all.  Wow.

As we got into the last leg, the steep ascent to the summit, it became a real challenge.  Gaining elevation that quickly was really making the effects of the altitude apparent.  We had to stop more often to catch our breath.  Mr. M had gone through his water already and we were sharing mine.  He started to feel sick and I was getting a little dizzy.  We stopped to rest and he was not feeling well.  I wasn’t sure he could keep going, neither did he.  But we were SO CLOSE. 

I would be very disappointed to get this far and not reach the top but this was our journey, our adventure and if we couldn’t stand at the summit together I didn’t want to go.

But he took a short breather, dug deep and pushed himself to keep going.

The last stretch was narrow and there really was no trail, you just had to find the best line and hope for some sturdy rocks.

We kept pressing forward, knowing victory was within reach.

And then, there we were! Standing on the summit!! It was glorious and euphoric and oh so breathtaking. We saw some friends at the top and congratulated each other, took more pictures and a short rest. 

 

We took it in, a panoramic view of mountains in every direction.  Surreal. What a beautiful moment, what a victory to achieve together…

And then? The descent!  The only way down was the way we came up!  It was faster but still very tricky.

The whole way down I would stop to look back again, and was in complete awe and shock that we just did WHAT??  Knowing now what it took to get to the top, to see it in retrospect made me realize what an accomplishment it was.  Oh and we ran into 2 mountain goats on our way back, very cool. Although one was about 10 ft from me and I think it wanted to hurt me....

We had no idea what we were getting into and to a degree I appreciated my naivety at the time.  That trip back down looked very different…. I felt wiser, more experienced and so I viewed everything now through different eyes.

I spent the journey back down reflecting on everything I had just learned and could see in so many ways how marriage is very much like climbing a mountain. Here’s what I learned….

*Take a look back.  It is so easy to get caught up in the trials of where you are, the disagreement, the monotony and become discouraged. 

But every once in a while you need to stop and just take a look back.

See how far you’ve actually come.  That you’re making progress.

See that you’re moving forward even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Relish in the moment that you are taking and have taken ground even if you feel stuck.

*Things get hard.

There are unexpected situations that throw you a curve ball, the ground is not always flat and it’s not always smooth sailing.  Sometimes it feels like the ground is shifting beneath you. 

In these times you especially need to dig deep. 

Fight to find your footing, fight for your relationship.

Hold on to what you do know.

You love each other. That never changes. Yes even when you don’t like each other very much.

*You don’t know it all.  Period. 

Surround yourself with couples of wisdom, which means experience.  I KNOW I don’t have the answers, these are just my own revelations I’m sharing.

We need a support group. Others to cheer us on as we run this race. 

To hear from those who have gone before and can show us the best path.

 I definitely want to talk to others who have climbed mountains before I climb another one, why would I not do the same in my marriage?

*Don’t compare.  Don’t compare. Don’t compare.
It drove me crazy that those little girls were hiking with such ease! But this was their 5^th climb so how can I compare that to my 1^st?

All you can do is compare where you ARE to where you WERE.  Comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle will only make you frustrated and give you false hope.  Both are destructive in a marriage.

Celebrate your victories in your own marriage, not compared to someone else’s.

*You’re in this together.

It’s marriage. It’s forever.  What benefits you, benefits your spouse.  What hurts you hurts your spouse. 

No one has more to gain or lose in your marriage than you, and your spouse.  Stick together. 

Sometimes you lead and allow the other to rest. Sometimes you follow and your spouse takes the headwind.  You're in this together and two are always better than one.

*Find an adventure together!

Mr. M and I are really in our sweet spot when we are working towards a common goal.  I feel like we can accomplish anything when we are working together. 

Whether it’s paying off debt, climbing a mountain or pitching a tent, we really shine when we are conquering something as a team.

Find something that brings you both alive and go at it. 

Live your life together.  Dream together. 

Set goals and then knock them down.

Be silly. 

Have fun together, you never know what mountain goats, I mean, surprises are just around the corner!

The Perfect Storm

So, it happened, I finally had my worst race ever.  Worst time ever.  Worst run ever.  I’d always heard or read about people bombing a race and totally crashing, hitting that wall, but had never experienced it for myself.  I guess it was about time, and the conditions were perfect….

I ran my second half on the 4^th of July, my third overall.  It was a month and a half after the last one I did in Denver so I figured it was enough time to recover but easily jump back into training.  I had been dealing with some tendonitis in my foot coming off the last race so it was a full 2 weeks before I could start training but I figured a full month would be plenty.  Sure, probably had I been training a little more consistently. 

Life happens as it always does and I didn’t always get in all my weekly runs, but I’d just finished my last half in great time, I’ll be fine I thought. 

I also hadn’t taken into consideration that it was now going into June and now I’m training in the summer.  In Colorado.  At elevation.  Holy hotness! Training in the summer is already hard but the sun out here is no joke.  I was struggling with the heat but figured it was just a minor detail, I got this.

It was also coming on ‘that time’ and I was feeling uber drained. But I figured it’s a part of life you’ll just have to push through, everyone does it.

Then the week of the race, my lovely daughter who is learning to share decides to practice on me.  And shares her chest cold. Thanks.  It was a full-on head congestion, can’t breathe because someone is sitting on my chest, wake up in the middle of the night to a coughing fit type cold.  Lovely, who needs to breathe to run right?? 

And then, to top it off, my girlfriend asks if I want to go hiking at Palmer Park while our husbands mountain bike—absolutely I do! I love hiking! Strapped on the peanut and grabbed my dog for a nice hour and a half hike.  Why is this a bad idea you ask?? Because it’s the NIGHT before the race!! Of course I had thought nothing of it until oh, we’re a good 45 minutes into the walk, realize we may be lost and still have to get back to the cars.  Yaaaa… enough said.

Though I think the biggest factor was that I didn’t feel confident, it was a little hard to with all those factors playing into it. But still, mentally I wasn’t bringing my A game, and that can be a game changer.  And it was.

Oh, it was also an out and back race, so you run to the halfway point and then turn around and run back.  I didn’t really care for that, no change of venue and felt even more aware of how far I had to go. 

But the first 6.5 miles I was cruising! I felt really good, nice and steady; my time was even looking good.  Then we turned around.  And in NOT a good way, it all went downhill from there.  My legs were shot, that hike the night before was taking its toll.  It was like trying to run with concrete beams as legs. 

The chest congestion was wearing on my breathing which was already labored because it was getting warmer and warmer. 

I felt like I could not drink enough water and my GU’s weren’t giving me that little extra boost they usually did.

Every minute it felt like it just got hotter and hotter and with each step I was moving slower and slower.

I was drained.  I felt sapped of all my energy and mentally I was battling to keep moving. 

I have never wanted to quit so bad in my whole life.  It sucked! I kept having to walk (gulp, as I swallow my pride…) because I had nothing left.  I kept passing and being passed by the same handful of people who seemed to be struggling as well.  This wasn’t exactly encouraging but I was just thankful to not be alone. 

And let me be clear, I am in no way judging anyone that does walk or has had to, you do whatever you have to do to finish. This was just my own personal struggle.

This was the greatest mental and physical battle I’ve had running, and it was exhausting!  My pride was definitely bruised each time I had to walk.  But it wasn’t until the old guy, with the POW MIA flag on a large pole sticking out of his backpack, which I had passed on my way back, passed ME, that my pride really took a blow.  Seriously!? But I had nothing left, no second or third wind, no strength in my legs, barely had the willpower to keep moving.  It was all I had to just put one foot in front of the other and hopefully not pass out.

But I finished. Not that I can really say that with much joy, I mean I wasn’t injured so it wasn’t like not finishing was an option. And my time was just sad. It was an ugly finish.  Felt like that saying, something about being as slow as a turtle running through peanut butter… Ya that was me.

 I hurt all over.  But really my pride was hurt more than anything.  And you remember the old guy with the flag?  My husband later told me he started Last. LAST!! I guess my pride needed a good beating.

But I’ll get back up and do it again. Why? Because I love it.

I love running.

Love racing.

Love pushing myself.

Love the sense of accomplishment.

I love knowing that I can do what I set my mind to. 

That means taking the good with the bad but doing my part to prepare.

There were some circumstances that were my fault and some were out of my control, it really was the perfect storm. 

But I’m using this to motivate me to change what I can for future races and life in general, and be ok with what I can’t.  You can’t put in half the work and expect to get 100% of the results. 

We all have a bad race, a bad day. That’s life, it’s going to happen.  You can choose to let it ruin your day, your attitude, or you can pick yourself up and go again!

Aren’t these the times that we learn the most about ourselves?  In those bombed races. When the car takes a dump.  A bad day at work.

It’s when everything falls apart that we see who we really are. 

What we really want. 

And what we have.

Learn the lesson, change what you can, and let go of what’s not in your control. 

My positive spin on all this?  I’ve finally experienced my worst race, woo hoo! So now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time to move on to the next race….

Day In, Day Out

I was talking to my Pastor and friend last night about my upcoming half’s I was training for. And he jokingly pokes me with “So are you going to blog about your runs or just talk about it?”   And he’s right. I like writing. I feel called to write. But sometimes it’s just hard for me to get started.

That evening I went for my run and was thinking over what he said and wondering why I hadn’t felt inspired to write about my runs lately. I’ve run 2 half’s this year and am currently training for 2 more. So it’s easy to say I’ve been running a lot this year.  I feel like I should have so much to say, so much knowledge, so much something but kind of just felt like I was just going through the motions.

And then I realized something rather simple: sometimes my runs are just that, runs. Gasp! Sometimes my training is just that, training. There is no great enlightenment about myself. No great revelation. Sometimes it just feels like I’m just going through my check list.

Breakfast: check. Change diapers: check. Laundry: check. Grocery shop: check. Run: check. Sometimes the day to day isn’t magical or glamorous. Sometimes my runs aren’t all-telling about who I am. Sometimes you put in the work because you have to. I don’t mean for this to sound dreadful by any means. I love being a stay at home mom, serving my husband, taking care of my daughter. But some days it’s just routine, and that’s not bad, but nothing new or exciting happens.

And some days my runs are just runs. I put in the work because I made a commitment for the next race. Because I want to stay healthy and promote an active lifestyle in my family. Because it is great me time. Because I really do love it, even when getting out the door feels like a chore.

And so sometimes I don’t have much to say about running other than I did it today. It was another 3, 6, 9, X miles…. Nothing exciting, nothing to tell. I just did it.

But even in that there IS something it’s telling.

It tells of commitment. It tells of consistency. It tells of not relying on your feelings. It tells that it’s not about the glamour. It tells about sacrifice.

Because the races, the medals, the PR’s, the accomplishments aren’t made at the race. They’re made in the day in day out, humdrum of consistency to train even when you don’t feel like it. Even when it’s not exciting. Even when it’s just another X amount of miles.

The race is where we see the FRUIT of our labor…or lack thereof.

I believe this is how great marriages are made.  And great relationships with your children.

By being consistent. Being on purpose. Sticking to your commitment.   Not living based on emotion. Being present even when it’s hard. Not quitting. Not complaining. Even in the day to day, nothing exciting is happening times. Because those seeds, that foundation you’re building, that time you pour into your family will bear fruit.

Marriage isn’t all passion and excitement and tingly feelings like the movies show. It has its moments for sure. But it is in the day to day that we lay our foundation.… Serving each other. Putting the other first. Doing what needs to be done without complaining.  Enjoying time together. Sitting down for dinner. 

There isn’t a training plan for raising a child.  It takes time. Consistency, even when you’re exhausted. Unconditional love.  Sacrifice.  And lots and lots of stinky diapers.

Just like a race, you will get out what you put in.

So some days you’re just training. Some days you’re just mowing the lawn or playing patty cake for the five thousandth time.

But the rewards will be plenty my friend! Whatever avenue you’re in, never underestimate the day in day out, that’s where the great’s are made!                                                                                                                                             

Let the Good Times Run....

This past Sunday I ran my second half marathon and had a blast.  As the race got closer and closer people would always ask if I was ready for it and to be honest I had to say this was the Least prepared I’ve felt for a race.  I hadn’t built up my weekly mileage as I should have, I was pretty lax in following my training plan, I hadn’t run in over a year, had a baby, the altitude was still a factor in affecting my pace and at times felt I had hit a wall or boredom with the day to day runs.  And of course the week of the race my foot started hurting whenever I walked and it sounded like tendonitis, awesome.

I actually preferred my long runs over the short weekly mileage because I would pick out a new trail every time and go run it. The new trail, scenery, the exploration of a new place really made the run enjoyable and the miles fly by. 

Usually my runs are my quiet time with the Lord, I can clear my head, work through things and just enjoy a great workout; but lately they’ve just been runs.  No grand conversations with the Lord, no great breakthroughs, no revelations or insight. Just runs. And hard ones at that.  I didn’t feel like I was making progress, instead of feeling like I was building on the last run, every run was just work. Some days I couldn’t seem to catch my breath the whole time. I wasn’t finding the joy in my run like I used to. This was Hard!  And that was frustrating. But I had signed up, made a commitment and would follow through, no matter how slow or ugly it was.  I have a little person who will always be watching me… How do I react when things are hard? Do I quit? Do I give up? Or do I persevere? Stick to my commitment?  I can’t expect her to do any differently than I myself can example.  It should be Do as I DO….

So I pushed along and finished my last long run feeling good going into the race, until the foot pain of course.  It seemed to get worse and everything I read and heard was rest, rest, rest. So I opted not to run at all the week before the race and pray that that would be enough rest and my foot would hold out through the whole 13.1 miles.

We drove up to Denver the day before, went to the Expo, got all settled in and I was oddly calm. Excited, but not nervous like my first half.  Even as we were lining up, waiting for my coral to be released there wasn’t that anxiousness and ‘Ohmygosh I have to pee Again!’, but a calm and excitedness, I was really looking forward to this!  I love the buzz in the air, thousands of other people who are up at 5 am as well because they love to run!  For one older lady in my coral, this was her 65^th half marathon! Mad props….

My coral was released and I was off, trying not to go out too fast and trying to get a feel for my foot.  It hurt on and off the whole run but was very manageable.  We ran through the Denver Zoo, through some beautiful (and some not so much) neighborhoods and through the Aurora Fire Station.  I didn’t turn on my IPod until the last 2 miles. I took in everything on the run, the funny signs—my favorite: “I didn’t get up this early to watch you Walk!”, the people sitting in their front yards eating a bowl of cereal and coffee, the animals in the zoo, the view of the mountains in the distance, all the different people around me.  It was awesome. 

The last 3 miles I was all out going for it, I didn’t want to finish and feel like I could keep running.  I was booking and it was so much fun! I saw my family waving about a mile before the finish line and that gave me an extra boost, they always make me smile.  Of course the last mile lasted at least 2, felt like forever but as I saw the finish line in view I, as I always do, picked as many people that were in front of me to pass before crossing the finish line. I was flying!  I love pushing myself and my body, pushing the boundaries in my head, pushing my body when it thinks it’s done and surprising myself. 

I finished a minute and a half slower than my first half 2 years ago, So close! Stupid bathroom break… But with all the factors going against me…. Altitude, poor training, not having run for over a year, had a baby, bum foot; I proved I could still press through.  Yes, running is just that, running, but it’s something I love.  I find more of myself in each run, especially the crappy ones.  My true character comes out, the real attitude, the real me—good, bad, and ugly. 

Training for my first half went very smoothly and I found a great sense of accomplishment in finishing.  Training for this one was Way harder, a lot more to overcome, but this time in the end I found a great sense of joy, again. I’m already signing up for my next half in July!

So what do you love? What is your passion? Go after it! As Pastor Brock always says, Live Your Love! Don’t let the day to day or overwhelming obstacles keep you from it. There will always be a reason you think shouldn’t or can’t, but when the guy pushing his disabled adult son in a full length wheelchair passed me, I knew I had no good reason why I couldn’t do what I love.  So I keep running….

 

Not Your Average Beauty

I’ve started training for my second half marathon this past month & just finished up a not too bad run this evening.  As I was finishing my hair in the bathroom I realized, I have my body back. 

Now it’s 8.5 months post-baby but I'm not talking baby weight.  The baby weight came off quite some time ago.  And I don’t mean I’m finally back to pre-baby shape because I have a ways to go to get there. 

What I mean is, I see the beauty again.  And by that I don’t mean physical beauty.  As women especially I feel like we need to redefine what the word Beauty even means because we have been bombarded with such a deceptive & self-deprecating understanding of that word. 

 I mean that beauty that you find in using your body for those things it was created for.

Those things that exhilarate you. 

Those things you have a burning passion for. 

Those things that bring you joy. 

When you are more you than any other time. 

Those moments may be short or long, and there can be more than just one.  One of them for me is running.  Seeing how far I can push myself, what I can discipline my body to do and enjoying the fruits of it. 

 I get such joy out of running; physically it is great for my body but also for my mind.

It’s ME time.  It’s quiet time with the Lord.   

For others it may be painting or cooking or mountain climbing or triathlons or being able to play with your kids the way you want.  And that’s what’s so beautiful about it—there is no number we must all meet, no size requirement you must achieve to be able to enjoy the beauty that is already in you. 

 I spent more years than I would like to remember destroying this one & only body but God is faithful, He healed and restored the damage I had done.

But those years of torment and deception, of truly believing beauty was a number or pant size or certain caloric intake has opened my eyes to see what a great and saddening contrast there is between the world’s definition of ‘beauty’ and what God considers beauty. 

From seeing myself through the lies of the enemy, to the eyes of my Creator.   And trust me, God does not see our beauty in our pant size.

 It’s in our hearts! 

It’s when we are using the gifts & temple He has given us and finding joy in it that He is most pleased, that our beauty shines through. 

It’s in our very existence because we were created in His image! 

When you can look and see yourself through His eyes, you see true beauty. 

When you truly find Who you are in Christ you find your beauty within, because He will radiate through you.

When you are doing & fulfilling your call in Him you find your beauty. 

And no one can tell you differently when the One Who created you tells you “you are all beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you”, Song of Solomon 4:7. 

So I challenge you, have you found your beauty? Do you see it?  Show the world ladies because there are young women out there who don’t know where to look for it and they need you to stand up and show them!

What Do You Want

I just picked up the book Soulprint by Mark Batterson and am still reading the intro. He’s talking about finding out your destiny, who you were created to be and so on.  Good stuff so far.  My brain started drifting for a second and I started thinking about who and what I want to be.  I pulled out my journal and started listing….

I want to be sharp.

Apostle Tetsola was a guest speaker at a conference at our church this past weekend and he spoke about being a sharp axe head, about not losing your Edge.  How easy it is to become dull overtime and not realize it til we’ve gone so far down the path of complacency or mediocrity that we don’t even realize we’ve strayed.  It doesn’t mean there was a sin, but a lack of edge, passiveness, lack of sharpness in the Spirit, a fire that has been left unattended and has simmered down with time and lack of attention.  I knew this was where I was even though I hated admitting it. There was no major back sliding, just a passion that I had allowed to sit on the backburner.  An axe head will become dull from lack of use.  Ouch.

But my heart’s cry is to always keep my edge, what good is a dull axe head? Spiritually what good am I to anyone if my heart and spirit is dull? I want to be sharp. To be ready to battle for my marriage, battle for my children, battle for my friends and family, battle for myself, battle for whatever the Lord brings me to. I want to be ready in the spirit, prepared, on guard.  I want to be sharp to be able to accomplish the will of the Lord in my life.

I want to be pure.

I want my whole being to be so full of the Lord that there is no room for anything else.  I want that pure, childlike faith and love.  I want a clean mind and thoughts.  I want dove eyes for the Lord. I want to be untainted by things of this world. We should live in this world but not be of it.  I want to be free from pollutants, free from the things that would cause me to lose my edge. I want to be unmixed with the ways of the world. This may mean not watching movies others find acceptable, not listening to music that is popular and not going places that I used to frequent.  Pastor Lonny would always say, Let nothing come before my eyes, in my ears, or out of my mouth that does not line up with the Word of God.  How sweet is that?   I want my words to come from a pure heart. I want my love to come from pure motives.  I want my actions to come from a pure mind. A pure heart begets a pure life.  And not just look pretty on the outside, but pure and washed from the inside out. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. I want to stand before Him white as snow, not in my own efforts but by His love and grace.  “Create in me a pure heart” Psalm 51:10—God must create the pure heart in me, I can’t do it on my own, but this is my heart’s cry.

 I want to be unwavering, steadfast

I want to be immovable in my faith. Unshakable in my morals.  I want to stand in the face of opposition and not flinch.  I want my face to be set like flint in times when I have to make a decision regarding my standards whether they are popular or not.  I want to be unwavering in the way I raise my children. Unwavering in the covenant I have made with my spouse.  Resolute in my convictions and what I allow in my home.  “And renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalm 51:10.  Restore that unwavering spirit in me, bring it back to the fullness it once was.  Over time we can get worn down from the constant waves of life banging against our shores and slowly lose that consistent spirit. But renew it in me Lord, let me not become compromising of the things that matter.

I want to be undivided.

I want to be wholly devoted to the Lord. I want to be fully focused on my call, my walk, the Lord.  I want Him to have my full attention.  A heart that beats for one purpose, serves one Master. “Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name” Psalm 86:11.  I don’t want to be pulled in multiple directions, away by things of this world, giving none of them my full devotion. It is easy at times to fall into this, life is busy, the list doesn’t end of must-do’s and somewhere along the way we have spread ourselves too thin and God no longer has our full heart.  I believe this requires staying sharp in the Spirit, remaining pure, and keeping ourselves steadfast in the Lord.  Only with an undivided heart can you truly fear, reverence, the Lord.  Can you truly stand in awe of Who He is. He wants our full hearts, whole devotion, our whole lives. 

We should also be undivided in every area of our lives I believe. Our children will want our undivided heart and attention. Our spouses deserve the deepest, truest parts of who we are, not just what is left over. Our passions and giftings deserve whole hearted pursuit. In anything I do want to be fully there, fully engaged, all in.

I want to be purposeful.

I believe this has very much to do with having vision or goals for yourself or life.  The bible says the people perish for lack of vision.  So basically, without a purpose your life slips away, none for the better.  Without a plan life will just pass you by, time will pass and you’ll wonder where it went.  I want to live my life On purpose, For a purpose.  I want to be strategic about how I spend my time, be purposeful in my actions and words, be intentional in my relationships.  I want to be deliberate in my pursuits and passions.  If that is writing, then I will be deliberate to pursue it and pour into it.  When it comes to running, I want to be purposeful and make the time for it because it benefits not only my health but me as a person.  I want what I pour into my marriage to have meaning, not just go through the motions.  I want to be strategic about what I speak to my children, about the example I am in how I live my life.  I want my time with the Lord to have purpose, to glorify Him through my life.  I believe this requires a conscious effort because it is so easy to get in a routine and go through the motions but I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now and wonder what happened to my life.

 I want to be compassionate.

For those who know me you know this is not always a strength for me, it humbles and embarrasses me to say.  It’s not because I don’t care, but I have always been more of a logical thinker, I process with my head before my heart.  I’m more black and white.  These are great strengths at times but Jesus had Compassion that Moved Him.  The Pharisees knew the law but lacked compassion—I do Not want to be a Pharisee. Jesus saw past the black and white, the right and wrong and saw to the heart of the matter, the heart of the person. And I want that.  I want His heart, His eyes.  One definition of compassion is ‘a feeling of deep sympathy for another….accompanied by the strong desire to alleviate their suffering’.  It’s not enough to just feel sorry for someone, but there is a call to action as well.  Many times in the New Testament it speaks of Jesus seeing the people, having compassion for them and then…healing their sickness, feeding the multitudes, or teaching them.  His compassion Compelled Him to meet their need, meet them where they were despite the circumstances.  I want my compassion to overrule my brain, I don’t want to see a problem to be solved, but a life to be loved, encouraged.  I want to see people through God’s eyes. 

I want to be fierce.

I love that word. Makes me think of a fearless warrior.  It doesn’t make me think of myself.  It seems in the bible the word fierce typically seems to precede the word anger in reference to the Lord and His wrath against sin, idolatry, and wickedness. I wasn’t thinking with so much of a negative connotation when this word came to mind but this definition also works because my main desire was to be spiritually fierce.  And God’s wrath and anger are correct in connection with sin.  I also see it as a positive description—I want someone fierce on my team, in my corner.  I want someone who will show no mercy when it really counts. And I want that to be me when it comes to spiritual battles.  When it comes to protecting my family.  I want to be fierce in my training, not holding back, take no prisoners attitude—it’s you or me and I’m not quitting.  I want to be intense in a way that’s brought about by pure passion.

 I think of David facing Goliath.  He was fierce—he would not stand for this Philistine to continue to defy His God. It says he Ran Towards Goliath—he didn’t run away from his challenge, his mountain, his fear but ran Towards it with a boldness that came from his passion to defend God’s name.  I want to run At my mountains not from them. I want to boldly come against the enemy’s attacks on my family. I want to fiercely fight for my daughter’s generational line.  I want to fiercely make God’s name known.  I want to unrelentingly accomplish a full marathon.  No matter what your mountain, attack it fiercely, take no prisoners.

I want to be fearless.

For most my life fear has played a big role, mainly in the form of fear of failure.  I’m still a work in progress but I have made some conscious moves to purposefully overcome this fear.  My husband is an all-in kind of guy—he gives it his all sometimes not knowing if he will succeed or fail, and that’s ok, he won’t know until he gives it a shot.  I typically needed to know that I have a good chance of success before I’d even give it a shot, because why bother trying if I’m not going to be good at it, or great, right? WRONG.  This has been my mentality for years that I’m working to overcome.  I missed out on a lot over the years because I never even gave myself the chance to see if I was any good at….fill in the blank.  I was afraid to fail, afraid to look bad (pride), afraid of not being good enough. But in the last few years with the continued encouragement and example of my husband and the Lord’s truth speaking to that area I’ve been able to push past this fear in many ways. How freeing!  I’ve learned to snowboard and mountain bike, ran my first half marathon, started writing and actually putting it out there for others to read.  As it turns out, I really enjoy snowboarding and mountain biking and I found two of my deep passions in running and writing.  Most these things I most likely would have never tried before because of those dreaded two words: What If?  What If I sucked at snowboarding? What If I couldn’t hang with the pack while biking? What If I couldn’t finish the Mini? What If someone bashed my writing??  And as my husband would say, So what?? The world doesn’t end, you just pick yourself up and move on, try again or chalk it up to a learning experience. 

Fear is a lack of faith.  Lack of faith in myself to try something new. Lack of faith in the Lord to be greater than your circumstance, illness, or situation.  I like the way Pastor Tucci put it, ‘Faith moves ahead expecting victory, fear pulls back expecting defeat’.  Look at that perspective, the stance you have to take in either situation: you’re either Expecting victory or Expecting defeat.  You’re either moving Ahead or pulling Back.  Either running Towards or running Away.  I’m personally sick of allowing fear to rule my life, of silencing my dreams, of causing me not to live fiercely, purposefully, and I plan to continue to push past that fear and pursue the adventure that is awaiting me.

I want to persevere.

I think this relates closely to wanting to be fearless.  One definition is: ‘to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement’.  To be fearless is the first step, you have to start, attempt, try, but to persevere is to continue or remain constant in the face of those trials.  It’s not just good enough to attempt something, but I want to endure, persist stubbornly, and see it to the end.  I didn’t just want to Attempt to run a half marathon, I wanted to Finish.  I started by facing the fear of What If’s and looked forward expecting victory.  Then I was able to remain constant in the hard times, when the training got more intense, when I was tired or sore.  I stayed focused on the goal at hand.

In the face of every day trials I want to persevere. In the face of sickness, loss or heartache. In the face of unforeseen obstacles. It’s not just about persisting at something, but doing so in the Midst of trials and letdowns.  Which means there is some sort of resistance you are coming against.   “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,” Hebrews 12:1. We are to run this ‘race’ with endurance, with the mindset of finishing boldly.  I don’t just want to attempt, I want to achieve, overcome, accomplish.  As Yoda said, Do or do not. There is no try.  Not bad for a fictional character.