C'mon Ladies

I have these women in my life. They are married. They are single. They are mommies.  They aren’t mommies.  They work outside the home. They are homemakers.  They are athletes. They are artists.  They are fierce. They are strong. They are compassionate and loving.  Some live down the street and some across the country.  They are my friends.  They are my support group.  They are my people.  Yes, I just referenced Grey’s Anatomy….

No matter what our differences, we seem to have this common thread: we have this innate response in hardship, trials, etc to try to go at it alone rather than reaching out or asking for help. It's been a common theme I've seen amongst so many women, myself included. Maybe it’s because we are Strong. Fierce.  Self-sufficient. We can do it all, remember? We are Moms. Wives. Independent. Career women. Driven.  We can do it all, right…?

How often do you hear or have you said, Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you let me know you were struggling with…? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you ask?? If you’re a lady and you’re reading this, this rings true beyond measure.  Why don’t we ask for help? Why don’t we call? Why don’t we reach out?  For some you don’t have someone you trust, but I don’t believe this is the majority. 

I think we need someone to reach out and push those walls we put up.  Step into our space and let us know we're not alone. Then continue to bug the stink out of us to make sure we know we are not alone. Because isn’t that truly what we want?  As women, to know we’re not in it alone?  To know someone else has walked this road.  Someone else has made that mistake in a relationship.  Can’t see themselves as worthy of more.  Has totally bombed it as a parent.  Is overwhelmed or depressed.  Has been sick and needed someone to help with the baby??  Someone else has BEEN THERE… and needed help as well.

I believe the Lord is all about building relationships and He uses our weak places to let us see our need. We need Him.  We need each other.  We need community. WE ARE NOT ALONE. 

I don’t know why women as a whole we have this bend, I can only speak for myself….

I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve done it so many times before on my own. I got this. Push through.  Everyone else manages, don’t be a baby.  You’re being ridiculous.  They don’t have time for you.  You’ll be rejected. Turned down. Let down.  Disappointed. 

You see where my head goes? Why?

Past hurts, insecurities and so on.  I’m sure many women feel this way. And I’m sure many others have many other reasons. None of which are invalid or unimportant.

You are important. You matter. Someone cares. You’re not alone. Your heart matters.  You’re Not Alone!  It’s important.  Someone wants to be there. It’s OK to struggle! It’s OK to need help! We need each other. We need real relationships.  Real life. Real touch.

That doesn’t make you weak. Doesn’t make you less of a women. Less of a wife. Less of a parent.  God has created us to need Him. To need relationships. To need others. He did not make us to be self-sufficient, independent, islands.  Right? 

So here’s my encouragement, Ladies, reach out for help! And Ladies, reach out to others!  If you’re doing good, I’m sure there’s someone in your life, circle, community that needs a nudge.  If you’re not, find those women around you that you trust and lean in. 

You’re not a burden.  You’re not weak.

You are worthy.  You are needed.

Let the Good Times Run....

This past Sunday I ran my second half marathon and had a blast.  As the race got closer and closer people would always ask if I was ready for it and to be honest I had to say this was the Least prepared I’ve felt for a race.  I hadn’t built up my weekly mileage as I should have, I was pretty lax in following my training plan, I hadn’t run in over a year, had a baby, the altitude was still a factor in affecting my pace and at times felt I had hit a wall or boredom with the day to day runs.  And of course the week of the race my foot started hurting whenever I walked and it sounded like tendonitis, awesome.

I actually preferred my long runs over the short weekly mileage because I would pick out a new trail every time and go run it. The new trail, scenery, the exploration of a new place really made the run enjoyable and the miles fly by. 

Usually my runs are my quiet time with the Lord, I can clear my head, work through things and just enjoy a great workout; but lately they’ve just been runs.  No grand conversations with the Lord, no great breakthroughs, no revelations or insight. Just runs. And hard ones at that.  I didn’t feel like I was making progress, instead of feeling like I was building on the last run, every run was just work. Some days I couldn’t seem to catch my breath the whole time. I wasn’t finding the joy in my run like I used to. This was Hard!  And that was frustrating. But I had signed up, made a commitment and would follow through, no matter how slow or ugly it was.  I have a little person who will always be watching me… How do I react when things are hard? Do I quit? Do I give up? Or do I persevere? Stick to my commitment?  I can’t expect her to do any differently than I myself can example.  It should be Do as I DO….

So I pushed along and finished my last long run feeling good going into the race, until the foot pain of course.  It seemed to get worse and everything I read and heard was rest, rest, rest. So I opted not to run at all the week before the race and pray that that would be enough rest and my foot would hold out through the whole 13.1 miles.

We drove up to Denver the day before, went to the Expo, got all settled in and I was oddly calm. Excited, but not nervous like my first half.  Even as we were lining up, waiting for my coral to be released there wasn’t that anxiousness and ‘Ohmygosh I have to pee Again!’, but a calm and excitedness, I was really looking forward to this!  I love the buzz in the air, thousands of other people who are up at 5 am as well because they love to run!  For one older lady in my coral, this was her 65^th half marathon! Mad props….

My coral was released and I was off, trying not to go out too fast and trying to get a feel for my foot.  It hurt on and off the whole run but was very manageable.  We ran through the Denver Zoo, through some beautiful (and some not so much) neighborhoods and through the Aurora Fire Station.  I didn’t turn on my IPod until the last 2 miles. I took in everything on the run, the funny signs—my favorite: “I didn’t get up this early to watch you Walk!”, the people sitting in their front yards eating a bowl of cereal and coffee, the animals in the zoo, the view of the mountains in the distance, all the different people around me.  It was awesome. 

The last 3 miles I was all out going for it, I didn’t want to finish and feel like I could keep running.  I was booking and it was so much fun! I saw my family waving about a mile before the finish line and that gave me an extra boost, they always make me smile.  Of course the last mile lasted at least 2, felt like forever but as I saw the finish line in view I, as I always do, picked as many people that were in front of me to pass before crossing the finish line. I was flying!  I love pushing myself and my body, pushing the boundaries in my head, pushing my body when it thinks it’s done and surprising myself. 

I finished a minute and a half slower than my first half 2 years ago, So close! Stupid bathroom break… But with all the factors going against me…. Altitude, poor training, not having run for over a year, had a baby, bum foot; I proved I could still press through.  Yes, running is just that, running, but it’s something I love.  I find more of myself in each run, especially the crappy ones.  My true character comes out, the real attitude, the real me—good, bad, and ugly. 

Training for my first half went very smoothly and I found a great sense of accomplishment in finishing.  Training for this one was Way harder, a lot more to overcome, but this time in the end I found a great sense of joy, again. I’m already signing up for my next half in July!

So what do you love? What is your passion? Go after it! As Pastor Brock always says, Live Your Love! Don’t let the day to day or overwhelming obstacles keep you from it. There will always be a reason you think shouldn’t or can’t, but when the guy pushing his disabled adult son in a full length wheelchair passed me, I knew I had no good reason why I couldn’t do what I love.  So I keep running….

 

Mommyhood

I wrote this a few months ago and just came across it, thought it was fittng and a nice reminder this Mother's Day...

You can do all you know, read & are advised in preparation for being a mom, but there’s just no way to grasp what is about to happen in your life until you experience that life changing moment.  People can talk about being tired from the first months of sleepless nights, but until you Are that walking zombie, you just don’t know.  You can hear about morning sickness & your body no longer becoming your own over the 9 months, but until you spend months in the bathroom & that baby bump gets in the way of your daily routine, you just can’t understand.  And people can tell you about that moment your child is born, but until you Hear their first cry with your own ears & see that little person wriggling about with life, you will never truly understand how Much your life is about to change. Or how much you could love someone you just met.

Peanut is 8 months old and is an ever-rambunctious, curious, adventurous, chatty little girl with a joyful personality and a busy little body.  My life changed the moment I heard her cry and has been changing ever since.  But not in the “I can never go back to my old, fun ways” but rather I got a promotion into Mommyhood.  That almost secret society of women that you just Can’t seem to understand until you’re there.  Because again, talking or hearing about it just can’t express what it means. 

Sadly I felt like I heard a lot more, almost complaining, if you will from other moms about that transition.  The lack of sleep, which was Rough to say the least. But in that I had to learn Patience, seriously relying on the Lord to help me keep sane when I just couldn’t get her to stop crying & go to sleep!  Because really, it was my own selfishness that I was tired & crabby and She was keeping me from my beloved sleep.  But do I let her dictate my mood or response? Gosh, I hope not.  Hearing how they can become ‘such brats’ and ‘won’t listen’ and it all made me sad because while yes, she has her moments, she is the child and it is my job to direct her & teach her.  To respond in love & discipline and train her up in the way she should go.  Is it trying some days? Heck ya!  I spend some days All day just telling her no, slapping her hand or toosh & then watching her go back to the same thing Again and doing it all over. 

I feel I have found more joy in learning to be a mom than in most anything else I’ve ever tried or attempted to do in my life.  Has it required sacrifice? Every day.  I have my moments when I Just want to go for a run, but I can’t because it’s too cold to take her with. Or I have to wait til it’s cold & dark when Mr. M gets home.  I can’t join those runs clubs because they run before he gets home to watch her.  Will this season pass? Of course.  Do I still have a mini fit in my head?  Of course.  But I wouldn’t trade it.  Seeing her face light up when I walk in the room in the morning.  Hearing her squeal and ‘talk’ all chatty while playing with her toys.  Getting to watch her learn new things.  Her weird fetish with chewing on shoes and the way she plays with her ears when she eats or is laid down for bed.  These moments will pass too soon & I when I look back I won’t remember the runs I didn’t get to do, but I will remember these moments & I don’t want to have missed them because I was too busy wishing to be somewhere or doing something else.

 

 

 

Not Your Average Beauty

I’ve started training for my second half marathon this past month & just finished up a not too bad run this evening.  As I was finishing my hair in the bathroom I realized, I have my body back. 

Now it’s 8.5 months post-baby but I'm not talking baby weight.  The baby weight came off quite some time ago.  And I don’t mean I’m finally back to pre-baby shape because I have a ways to go to get there. 

What I mean is, I see the beauty again.  And by that I don’t mean physical beauty.  As women especially I feel like we need to redefine what the word Beauty even means because we have been bombarded with such a deceptive & self-deprecating understanding of that word. 

 I mean that beauty that you find in using your body for those things it was created for.

Those things that exhilarate you. 

Those things you have a burning passion for. 

Those things that bring you joy. 

When you are more you than any other time. 

Those moments may be short or long, and there can be more than just one.  One of them for me is running.  Seeing how far I can push myself, what I can discipline my body to do and enjoying the fruits of it. 

 I get such joy out of running; physically it is great for my body but also for my mind.

It’s ME time.  It’s quiet time with the Lord.   

For others it may be painting or cooking or mountain climbing or triathlons or being able to play with your kids the way you want.  And that’s what’s so beautiful about it—there is no number we must all meet, no size requirement you must achieve to be able to enjoy the beauty that is already in you. 

 I spent more years than I would like to remember destroying this one & only body but God is faithful, He healed and restored the damage I had done.

But those years of torment and deception, of truly believing beauty was a number or pant size or certain caloric intake has opened my eyes to see what a great and saddening contrast there is between the world’s definition of ‘beauty’ and what God considers beauty. 

From seeing myself through the lies of the enemy, to the eyes of my Creator.   And trust me, God does not see our beauty in our pant size.

 It’s in our hearts! 

It’s when we are using the gifts & temple He has given us and finding joy in it that He is most pleased, that our beauty shines through. 

It’s in our very existence because we were created in His image! 

When you can look and see yourself through His eyes, you see true beauty. 

When you truly find Who you are in Christ you find your beauty within, because He will radiate through you.

When you are doing & fulfilling your call in Him you find your beauty. 

And no one can tell you differently when the One Who created you tells you “you are all beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you”, Song of Solomon 4:7. 

So I challenge you, have you found your beauty? Do you see it?  Show the world ladies because there are young women out there who don’t know where to look for it and they need you to stand up and show them!

Run This Race

A few months ago I watched my husband, sister and a huge group of friends complete their first (for most) Indy Half Marathon.  It was bittersweet for me because I was excited for all the newbies getting to experience this amazing race for the first time but envious that I was not also out there, toeing the line amidst 30,000+ other runners.  My heart longed to be out there, next to my husband as he ran the mini for the very first time, to be his support, lend him my ‘expert’ advice, and run this journey with him.  But being that I was 8 months pregnant and was unable to run as I had planned during my pregnancy, this was to be a race he’d have to run alone, and I would have to watch.

Everyone had started training in January.  It was cold and wet although it got unseasonably warm in March, it didn’t stick around and it went back into the cooler weather basically up until the week before the Mini.  Since there were lots of new runners I got to hear all their stories about how far they went, their time, how much it sucked or that they puked in someone’s front yard.  This was exciting for me—It was so awesome to see people find they could go further than the boundaries in their head, see them really push themselves and step out and do something they never thought they could.  Breaking those limits they or someone else had put on them at some point in their life.  Breaking the “I could never’s”.

I listened to stories about blisters and new shoes and target heart rates and fueling and when to Gu, crappy runs and PR runs, I was in heaven at least a little. But my heart longed to join them. Longed to run, let my legs go and just cruise. I wanted to be a part of the excitement and buzz.  Vicariously living the race excitement through my husband was still not the same as doing it myself.  What a reflection of our own relationship with the Lord-- that intimacy with the Him only comes when we ourselves enter in, bow our hearts and welcome Him in to that well in our heart that is only meant for Him.  We can never expect to enter in to that intimacy and go deeper without actually entering in ourselves. No one can do it for you.

I actually I learned a lot from being on the spectator side of the race this time.  I realized how much of a passion and lifestyle running has become for me.  I was reminded that no matter how much I want it for someone, they have to want it as much for themselves. No matter how much advice I have to offer, experience or knowledgeable resources I have, everyone has to run their own race, their own way.  I also realized that no matter how fun it was to be the spectator, there is nothing like running that race yourself. The time that was put in, the discipline, the finding the You you never knew was in there, none of that can be found sitting on the sidelines.  Just the same we must each find our own secret garden, prayer closet, holy hole that is between you and the Lord. Your parents’ relationship with the Lord will not sustain you.  Your friends that are on fire for the Lord can never take you to the holy of holies.  I have to want it, I have to discipline myself, no matter how much my mom may want it for me, only I can get to that place with the Lord.

So I found a spot right by the finish line and waited for my husband to cross so he could see me and I could meet him right away. While I was there I got to see the hundreds of other family members and friends there cheering on their loved ones. Saw hundreds and hundreds of people coming in to the finish, some walking, some kicking it in the final dash home, and a few actually collapsing feet from the finish line, all with a look of determination & achievement, and sheer exhaustion.  You could see the toll it took, the sacrifice.  All to cross that finish line and say “I did it”.  Some may find that silly or pointless but in the midst of the legs screaming and blisters and pain you dig deep and find one of two things:  I did Not prepare for this! Or Here we go! And pull from your training and kick it.  And just like our lives, we have those times we must dig deep, but what do you find?  Have you gone deep, dug and filled that well with the Lord so that in those trials you have something to pull from?  Have you put in the time, disciplined yourself, found that secret garden where you meet the Lord and are refreshed, prepared for the final stretch?  Or have you sat back enjoying other’s stories of divine meetings with the Lord?  Not made the time to meet with Him yourself?  Living on your parents’ relationship with the Father?

Are you finding that last oomph for your final kick at the end or are you that guy I passed on the ground feet from the finish line?

What has He done for you?

I was posed this question while reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz today and it really struck me.  It was prefaced by the question of Who is seeking to meet Jesus because of what He’s done in your life and followed up by the questions of Where were the people He had healed, restored and raised from the dead to testify on His behalf when He was placed on trial.

Both the preface and follow up to this question has struck a chord for me and made me search my heart as to how I would answer.  When was the last time I shared my testimony with someone? When was the last time I stepped up to testify against those speaking against Christ and spoke of what He’s done in my life?  When was the last time I simply spoke the truth of my complete restoration, mind, body and spirit from one encounter with the Lord?  When was the last time I refreshed my spirit just by recalling the amazing miracles the Lord has done in my life?

It’s been awhile, so let’s go back….

I was weighed down by depression and anxiety that kept me in a dark, ugly place.

I turned to drinking and drugs, anything to numb how much I hated myself.

I had pinched nerves in my lower back that made sitting, standing and lying down unbearable. I cried all day and then cried in my sleep.  

I had three discs out of place in my neck.

I had migraines since I was a teenager that would keep me out of school for weeks at a time and put me in the hospital. 

I had constant knee pain from a past injury.  

I had insomnia that would torture me day and night. 

I had been anorexic and bulimic since I was a child and it tormented every waking, and even sleeping, moment of my life.  It is the closest thing I can compare to living hell on earth.

I had digestive issues stemming from the eating disorder that made the simple and necessary act of eating a dreadful experience. 

I had TMJ, or lockjaw, that would get very painful because I clenched my teeth Extremely hard while I slept and at times it could take up to 20 minutes to get my mouth open.

I had female issues ever since I hit puberty that made me extremely sick and plagued my life as a young women.  From this I was told that getting pregnant could be rather hard.

I had a drawer full of medication for every single ailment, pain meds, sleeping meds, migraine meds, muscle relaxers, meds to help with digestion, meds to help with my female issues, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-inflammatory, and none of them were working.

BUT in One encounter with the Lord, He healed it all.  Depression and anxiety no longer have a hold in my life and I can live with joy and love.  Addictions lost their enticement because the Lord showed me He was my place of refuge and comfort and helped me see myself as He created me.  My back and neck were completely healed and I’m able to live an active life without pain.  I’ve maybe had one or two migraines in the last 4 years, but nothing that I can’t get through and that pass in a short time.  I don’t have knee issues and have actually found a great passion for running.  I now sleep like a baby and don’t dread getting into bed.  I am 100% free from the eating disorder and have learned to see myself through God’s eyes, the way He sees me and enjoy this body and life He’s given me.  I have zero digestive issues, my entire system has been restored and I can fully enjoy the simple act of eating.  I have never had another issue of lockjaw nor do I clench or grind my teeth.  And my reproductive system was completely healed, working as it should for the first time since I was 16.  And I got pregnant. 

From that time on I hadn’t taken so much as a Tylenol in the last almost 4 years (until I got pregnant) because I had grown to Know Jesus personally as my Healer. Rather than turning to medication when I got sick, I turned to prayer.  Sometimes He healed instantly, sometimes not. But until I got pregnant I hadn’t found one time that I Had to take something to get by. 

He had not only physically healed my body, but healed my mind to be free of wrong mindsets, to be able to see myself as He created me, healed me so that I could help set others free.  This is what He has done for me.  But ultimately, if He never healed me from any ailment, or answered another prayer, He has already done More than enough by sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and giving me eternal life.  And sometimes we just need to simply remind our spirits of what He has done for us, to not be so caught up on what we still need, but Remember where He has brought us from, brought us through.  And then we need to share it. There is power in your testimony.  People can say they simply don’t believe in God, or they have a ‘different’ god, but you can’t deny that I once was a depraved, lost, ailed girl headed down a path of death who is now free. It’s as simple as that.

So what’s your testimony? What road do you need to walk back down to stir your spirit to praise the Lord for what He has done for you?  Go back, visit those altars, remember, and then share it with someone who needs hope. Share it with those who don’t know Him.  Watch your spirit come alive. Watch your attitude change.  Watch God move.

Romans 9:20-21

September 16, 2011
So I’m reading Romans 9:20-21 this morning and it’s talking about the clay pots, I’ve read it a million times but this time it stuck out to me where it said some are made for noble things and others for common—it was like a punch to the stomach. What if I’m only made for common things? For the every day stuff? These desires in my heart are for greatness, for so much more…. Would those be there if I was only meant for the common day to day things of this world?
Then I was thinking, God doesn’t see things like we do. What we see as common may not exactly be the same way that He sees them, typically this is true in most cases I think. Then I thought about the disciples. They were All common people, in the midst of working and living their day to day lives when God stepped in and brought them into their destiny. It was IN THE MIDST of their day to day, ho hum, mediocre lives that they found their call, that that desire of their heart was fulfilled, or maybe even just stirred, showing them something they didn’t even know was there. And then I thought of David. Same thing. Tending the flock, daydreaming his days away and then one day he’s summoned and thrust into greatness. And Then he’s Told of his destiny, but has to go back to tending flock In The Meantime…. That’s rough right there. It was ages before he ever saw that prophecy, that destiny, that dream, that call, that gut-wrenching heart desire fulfilled, but it was. Did he curse God In his Meantime? Did he decide to switch plans, jobs, locations? Switch it up and see if that made it better, see if that made it come to pass quicker, help God out? No, he went back to his normal, every day life, and waited on the Lord to open the doors, to bring His clay pot to his destiny.
Maybe it comes as you walk the road you’re on, unless He tells you otherwise or opens another door then you’re on the right path? I think the hard part is the waiting of course. But He’s testing and trying us through the day to day I’m sure…. Are we a good steward? Do we work as unto Him not man? Do we work with excellence? Do we change the atmosphere and impact the sphere of influence we’ve already been given? Where is our heart in all of this? Do we grow bitter or continue to trust in the One Who created us and has destined our lives from before the beginning of creation? Or do we, as clay pots, shake our fists at the Creator, questioning why He made us as He did, never stopping to realize He didn’t Have to make us at all…..
Are we wishing away our lives, missing the moments and glimpses of His hand because our eyes are on ‘tomorrow’ and ‘greater’? We walk through the day to day in a zombie state just waiting for the way out or the promotion or the next great thing, when in reality we are missing the opportunities to minister, the chance to change lives, the possibility of stepping into our destiny at Any moment because Jesus is standing there waiting for us to see Him standing on the shoreline, waving us to follow Him.
Are lives are but a whisper so why do we spend it as if we had eternity? Because deep down we know we were Created for eternity, but not with this life.
Looking back through scriptures it was In the Midst of every day life that Jesus came and brought them out of their ‘every day’ life and into their destiny, into greatness. And as believers we are All called to greatness, to noble things, I think it’s the package, the clay pot we’ve been given that is different. We are not all called to be kings or millionaires or missionaries or mega church pastor, but we all have a great call, a great destiny to be fulfilled that is specific to the gifting we’ve been given. We are not all called to be Heidi Baker’s, that was not the pot I was made into, but should I curse my pot because it’s not like hers? That would be to say that what God created was garbage, which we know is not biblical so therefore cannot be true.
I think it comes down to perspective as well. Do we see ourselves as broken, common clay ash trays? Then we probably live our lives that way. But as a child of God that cannot be your view of yourself, shouldn’t be at least. We are to see ourselves as He sees us….The apple of His eye….The culmination of His Creation….His sons & daughters.
And because of that we should live that way, as David lived. We may not be walking in the ‘greatness’ that we think we should be, or even that we’ve been told or promised to be, but we are to live as David did, as God’s children. Knowing the great call we have on our lives and that it’s up to the Creator to determine when we are ready, when the clay is ready to come out of the refining fires of the furnace and placed in the showcase we were destined for, that heart’s desire fulfilled.
Are we living our as if we’re zombies in a mediocre life? Then that’s our choice. A sad, poorly thought through choice, but it’s yours to make. We should be living life fully alive, and if we’re not we need to adjust our perspective, what are we looking at? Are we looking at our lack of desires fulfilled in a ho hum existence or the Creator Who gave us this life to explore and promises to be fulfilled & seek out? Are you grabbing every moment, every opportunity, every encounter with the Lord and riding it to the summit? Are you taking your common, clay garbage can of a life and living every aspect of it to the fullest possibility? I may look like a common clay pot, but that’s exactly who Jesus likes to use….