And then there were three...

Have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you might explode? Go crazy even? It consumes your thoughts, your daydreams, your actual dreams? What makes it even harder is when the desire of your heart is from the Lord. And the desire for a child is definitely from God. The child itself is a gift from God. And that’s great except it was taking over my life and causing distress. Now you may wonder how a desire, that is from God that is a gift can cause such angst—-well no matter how Good it may be when we start to worship the gift and not the Provider, it does not go well. I wanted to be pregnant so bad it consumed about 95% of my day and night at times. Which means there was little time for the Lord or anything else. This my friend, is idolatry. Gasp! You mean to tell me that my desire for a child that was given to me By God can be idolatry?? Absolutely, when you worship the gift over the One Who gives it. At that time I wanted a child more than anything, Anything, and that is just off. Some days I would fear that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, and would have to pray against it. I would doubt that He would bless us with one, and would pray against that. All these negative fears were invading my mind and speaking death into my life, if I allowed it. Where was This coming from?? I’m healthy, the Lord restored and healed my body, I had no reason to doubt I wouldn’t get pregnant. I believe partly because my focus was off. I didn’t have my eyes on the Lord, the One Who provides and therefore my perception was off and I was allowing the enemy to whisper fears into my ear. But I continued to fight back. I prayed, read scripture and finally had to get things in alignment. One day the Lord basically told me I worshipped this child more than I worshipped Him—-OUCH!! Ugh, punch to the gut, but it was true, I had allowed my desire for Him to wane in my desire for a child, that COMES from HIM!! Isn’t this the story of the Israelites over and over? I repented and did the hardest thing, released the desire for children back to Him, He knows best. I trust the Lord and if that is true I will trust His timing is perfect and His plans for me are good….Whatever that means, and that’s the hardest part to swallow. I remember a part in Facing the Giants when the wife was praying about getting pregnant and finally said (my interpretation), ‘I will worship you wether I can get pregnant or not, I will still love you.’ Makes me cry every time! How many of us can say that, and truly mean it?? THAT is hard. But I did this, it took everything within me and it took awhile to get to the point where I could say it and Mean it. Because He is still God and He is still good wether I could get pregnant or not. He gave me this desire it is up to Him to make it come to pass, wether that meant getting pregnant or adopting, it would happen, in His timing. But I also found during this journey I encountered many women, some friends that are fighting these same fears—-‘What if I can’t get pregnant???’ And some of them have No foundation and can’t tell me Why they feel that way so it’s made me think. As women we were Created to procreate, to carry the seed and have children….This was made up in our DNA from the beginning of time and just because we’re not in Eden doesn’t mean that desire has any less faded. But we aren’t in Eden , we have fallen oh so far from grace and it is evident every day in our lives. There is sickness and death and unexpected tragedies that we may never understand in this life. And some women who’s hearts longing and desire is to be a mother, can’t, well not naturally. And we mourn the loss, the loss of what we know we were meant to be but cannot. Not because God is punishing us, but because we live in a fallen world that is far from our Home that our hearts remember. Seeing my friends and people I know struggle with this Breaks my heart. Now I had no reason to believe there was anything wrong with me, I was just rather impatient. But some of my friends actually have been trying Everything for quite some time and still nothing. The doctors tell them it won’t happen (Be Careful who you let speak into your life!!!), nothing is working and they are heartbroken—-and I don’t have many words to console except that I am praying for them, because I am and I know the power of prayer. And that we must be even the more guarded about our thoughts and what we speak…. The enemy knows that sometimes all he has to do is plant the seed, We will water it. If he plants doubt, and we continue to water it, we will eventually believe it and speak it. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21. So what are you speaking? I had to check myself here. I found that anytime I talked about it it was negative so I just quit talking about it. If it was brought up in conversation I would try to opt out or keep it short, the last thing I wanted was to speak Death over myself, I know the power of my words. So ladies guard your heart!! Guard against negativity and fear that is being spoken, if it’s by others, get away, if it’s by you, shut your mouth! The Dr’s may say there’s no hope But in Christ there is all hope! Keep your eyes on Him, the Creator of the universe, the Restorer of your heart and soul. His words are the only Truth in this ‘relative’ society. So put on your armor, we are at war! Take captive your thoughts and keep your eyes on Jesus. So once I began this journey, getting my perspective corrected, giving back this desire to the Lord and not putting it Before Him, speaking life over myself things got easier. That heavy dread and fear was gone and i was free to just enjoy the ride. Shortly after this when I was running home to get the car when Mike couldn’t walk (see Running for Superheros) I was on the little trail that goes from the bike trail to the subdivision. As I came around the curve I saw a deer standing in the path, I smiled and kept running. As I got closer it ran off into the trees. Then another one ran across and into the trees. Then a BABY ran across!! I about started crying, though I could hardly breath because I knew it was from the Lord letting me know He hadn’t forgotten my heart!! My heart was overwhelmed by His love and though part of me wanted to ask, “Ok, so WHEN then??” I knew better so I held on to that promise. About two weeks or so after that ( I don’t have a for sure time line) Mike and I were mountain biking at Winona with our close friends. Back on a gorgeous trail Stephanie spots a deer. Mike and I stop while they ride ahead. Then we see a baby! And a buck!! It’s a whole family Right there and we are in AWE!!! My heart was ready to explode because I knew it was the Lord confirming Again for us Both that He had perfect plans for us and it Would happen. Mike and I were just blown away by God’s love and the way He chooses to reveal Himself to His children—He met us out on the trails, mountain biking with our friends, living life. Ahhhh! That weekend was also our 2 year anniversary so it was doubly special and then 2 weeks after that we spent a week on vacation in Daytona with Collin and Stephanie. It was great, and would also be our last vacation without kids!!! Two weeks after we came back from vacation we found out we were expecting and I have been in shock ever since! My heart is so full there are no words, it is so humbling to know that He is the Giver and Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows James 1:17. Who does not change! He is Faithful even when I doubt. He is Provider when I lack. He is the Almighty even when I worship idols. He is God and I am not. He is sovereign in all things and how small do I feel knowing that no matter how much I wanted this it is not something I could Make happen. His timing is perfect, His ways are good, His love is all-encompassing. So now we have the weight of the responsibility to carry in raising and loving and rearing this child in the fear of the Lord, because at the end of our lives, we will stand before God and have to answer for our childrens lives. Wow, the weight of that is Sobering, as it should be. And we know we can’t do Any of this well without God’s guidance every step of the way. After all, this is HIS child He is giving us, He knows best how to raise and love them so we would be wise to lay aside our own thoughts and rely fully on His guidance. Luckily He laid it all out in a fancy dancy little book called the Bible and gave us His Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. Thank You Lord for your many blessings!!